Fumbling through life (long ramble)

People generally don’t realize when they are making a mistake. They don’t go into something saying “This is going to be a catastrophic failure, but I’m doing it anyways.”.

We have our gut, of course. That small voice inside… not the one that is scared of its own shadow and always has some pessimistic outcome to harp on. But the soft, gentle, loving voice that beckons us to listen; except it’s so easy to logic our way out of paying any attention to it. And maybe that’s the clue right there.

Maybe having to justify why we want to supercede that inner voice is clue enough that we shouldn’t. But again not talking about the voice of fear, but the voice of deep knowing. The one that understands the outcome long before we’ve even begun on the road towards it.

This is me just trying to figure out my own choices here….

I remember when I went to the Buddhist retreat and we were told to map out a distressing situation in our life in a circular graph. It could be anything. We had to really, deeply look inside and see how we handled this issue. We were asked to look at how we process the problem, not the problem itself. It was truly enlightening.

I realized that I would have an issue. Then I would create this helpless aura around myself and seek out advice and help. Then I would accept a solution presented to me that I supposed was the right one. Then that solution would feel suffocating and I’d be in distress again and the whole thing would start all over. All because I was looking for answers and help outside myself.

I was seeing myself as a victim of my life and asking for a life jacket from whoever was willing to help and listen. But I wasn’t really considering what I truly wanted to do. I wasn’t waiting for the answer to be clear for me, from within me. I wasn’t waiting to be sure of what I wanted to do before I just reached for whatever solution was presented to me.

Because I was feeling so buried under whatever issue I was facing I just went with whatever I was told to do; whatever pathway was shown to me, without waiting for my own inner guidance to be truly sure, without waiting for my own voice to decide. It was like I was living my life in this state of constant panic and searching for the answer anywhere but within myself.

And I realized how this was creating this constant loop of distress, and I realized then I just needed to wait it out. Most issues don’t need an immediate response. They aren’t generally life or death. I can stop a beat and figure out for myself what I truly want to do. If taking time means my options become more limited as time marches on, so be it. At least when I do make a decision I know it will be mine.

My mistakes alone to make. I won’t be the victim of my life anymore. And I won’t rely on others to make my mistakes for me or to save me from them.

And this understanding has led to a much more peaceful life. Although it hasn’t lessoned the problems in it necessarily. But it has allowed me to respect myself more and to accept the consequences much more easily. It has allowed me to grow up I guess. Knowing I am doing my best, what I truly want or think best to do for myself and I can be at peace with that. It isn’t so distressing anymore.

And I’m going to try to keep going this way. Trying not to make decisions out of fear. Trying not to make decisions I am not truly on board with.

But life can be so damn confusing and difficult. Auugghhh. 🥺 Well…..what’s there to do?

I just have to keep trying to listen to my inner voice, which feels so very hard at times, especially under so much stress. Sometimes, like right now, I feel so weak and I want to just give it all to someone else. But the only person I truly trust above myself is God/Divinity. Lol🤷🏽‍♀️

So, I hope they can give me the grace to help me follow where they lead and the courage and openness to truly listen through all this worry and fear.

But right this very moment I feel what my grandfather used to say to be all too true.

“We stumble over the same problem in life over and over, we just don’t recognize it as so because it always comes in a different disguise”.

God, please let me not stumble this way again.


Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

4 thoughts on “Fumbling through life (long ramble)”

  1. I dunno… I’ve decided to do things and with the thought that it’s gonna be the mistake to end all mistakes before doing them… sometimes they were, sometimes not. I know – and like most people eventually learn – that there’s no such thing as a sure thing and if there’s a way to screw something up, we’ll either find a way to do it or become so complacent that we don’t think we’re gonna make a mistake… which is usually the first mistake.

    We learn how to make decisions based on whatever information we have available and sometimes we have to make decisions without any real information… so we listen to our inner voice and if it says not to do it, we don’t do it (usually) or if it says we should go for it, that’s what we do… and hope that we made the right decision. Sometimes we pour over every tiny bit of information we have… and the result is we made a mistake. Did we misread the info we had at hand… or is it a more simpler thing that there’s no way we can obtain and parse all the information necessary to make a decision about something and then accurately see every possible outcome or consequence.

    Sometimes it works beautifully… and sometimes it fails catastrophically and if we can recover, well, we just learned something and now it’s about not repeating that mistake. Life is a bunch of choices that are “if, then, else” and we grow up learning how to best make decisions using this formula while also trying to do the impossible: See a future outcome that hasn’t happened yet… or might not happen… or might not happen the way we think it will or happens in a way we weren’t able to think of.

    It’s not that we’re not going to make mistakes – it’s what we do when we make them and, hopefully, the mistake wasn’t one of those real life or death things. No one wants to make mistakes so one goal is to make as few mistakes as you can manage while understanding that the actions of others can and will make a decision you made a mistake. So you learn to hope for the best… but expect the worse… and have a “plan” for either outcome. You don’t become overly fearful of making mistakes because if you do, all you’re ever going to do is see the worst possible outcome for everything you do rather than giving the proper credence for the more positive outcome you’re really looking for.

    We say, “If this works, it’s all good… but if it goes sideways, I’m gonna have to (add corrective measures here).” – and that depends if there are corrective measure to be employed – sometimes, there’s nothing you can do about it.

    Do we go into the decision making process and think that. shit, this might blow up in my face? We do… but probably not as much or often as we should and, yeah, sometimes, we do it too much or, as my mom says, “If you study long, you study wrong.”

    Your grandfather was spot-on: We often make the same mistakes over and over because the next one, to us, doesn’t look like the last one and, yeah, sometimes we do know that the mistake we’re about to make is just like the last one we made… but that was then… and this is now.

    And the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. And there you have it: Humans are inherently insane… and now it’s just a matter of how insane you tend to be. Most mistakes happen because of elements that we have no control over and those are usually what someone else may or may not do even though we’d like for them to do things in our favor… but for them, if they did that, they’re the ones making the mistake.

    No escaping it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No escaping it. Mistakes will be made. Yes. Very true. All for the many reasons you so aptly (as usual) relayed. We are all so blindly insane, each with our own unique idiosyncrasies.

      Right now I’m really struggling with myself over my own decision to willingly walk into the lions den; hoping to come out unscathed. It’s not my first choice. I’m hoping other viable options become available, but If they don’t it may be my best choice and I’ll have to try my hand at lion taming, I guess.

      Not expecting this to make sense really; but more just me processing it all. 🤷🏽‍♀️


      1. The first question is do you HAVE to walk into the lion’s den? What might happen if you don’t? If you do? Do you have a Plan B or other alphabetically ordered plans? Will it be a mistake? Big one? Little one? The thing is that more often than not, we really don’t know until we do it and if we don’t, we’ll never know it was a mistake… or could be one because we didn’t. Maybe. Really bakes your noodle, doesn’t it?

        Liked by 1 person

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