(Written last night around 12am.)
Sometimes like just right now, when I’m attempting to go to sleep, my mind feels like it’s racing a mile a minute. My heart is beating fast. My breathing is a bit too rapid to think about actually resting. But…..
It doesn’t have to feel like or be a bad thing.
First I recognize why; or at least maybe why I think it may be why, whatever comes to mind crazy or logical as it may be: today I had a busy day, an emotional day, I had an exciting day, and I did a lot of energy healing and body cleansing.
What this does is help me see that in moments like these, moments when I feel I should be sleeping, moments when I’d actually like to be asleep, I can not only accept not sleeping but even enjoy the feeling of it.
If I think about it, it’s no less than the feeling of being excited about something. It’s that same nervous tension; the difference is the tone of it….the tone of joy. The feeling itself is almost identical. The energy of it; except one we give negative thought to and one we give positive thought to which then either induces or reduces stress.
Although even good things can produce stress, technically.
The thing is. I know for a fact that sleeping less, but going to sleep happy gives me quantifiable better sleep than putting in more hours towards sleeping but doing it with negative thoughts.
I think I get that I may not be like most people. I think I’m starting to maybe understand. I can switch emotions pretty easily in life sometimes; especially when I truly try to take every moment in for what it’s worth.
But here’s the thing. I don’t want to live in fear. I am so just tired of it. And living with happy thoughts is such a beautiful way to live. I’m not saying “everything is awesome”*. I’m just saying I try to make the best of it.
And that’s what I try to do with my anxiety. I tell this story to clients. I’ve said in a few blogs a while ago too. But when I finally embraced insomnia and started to actually enjoy having it I stopped having it.
I would make the best of it and just open my eyes and be like. “Alright, what are we going to do? What are we going to think of?”. Most times I really could find something fun to do or think about, fantasize about, and once in a while I would cry or be mad because something preoccupied me. Sometimes I would masturbate, if no kid was in my bed. Lol
Eventually I stopped having insomnia. I wasn’t bummed because, well…. this girl loves to sleep. But it was also kind of nice having it, ya know? Lol
Thee thing I’ve learned during this whole Pandemic thing is that I am a true introvert. I like the comfort of my own home. There may be a cat that hasn’t quite figured out the litter box thing and sheds like crazy, she’s so soft and sweet you can’t hold it against her though. There may be a teenager with a wierd-ass disorder where she spends almost all day in bed, but she is whipper fucking smart and is so special in so many different ways.
My life is far from perfect or to some people even livable, to live like I do, especially with all the financial stresses and strains…which now I think a lot of people can relate to; that sometimes circumstances are out of your control. That sometimes you are who you for a reasons you barely comprehend.
We all exist not in a randomness but in a beautiful synchrony of 1 of a trillion, million possibilities.
A rhythm so magical and mystical and nuanced and that’s just in this one realm, this one existence. Take into account all the different times of beingness you’ve had, in who knows how many dimensions. It’s such a wild thought.
That sometimes I wonder how can I be mad? How can I complain? I mean. I do not like everything but I can do my part to speak truth, the truth that my heart tells me to follow. It may be wrong here and there and who knows where but it’s more connected to what I truly feel is my soul. So I gotta go with it. Come hell or high water. Right?
And sometimes that’s the best consolation I can ever find in this life. Letting that be damn alright. Without needing anything else. Figuring that I can only do me in this life. And for whoever needs to hear this, I’m sorry.
So this also means you all have to do you. And whatever station identification you find yourself on I am going to try to find a way to be ok with who you are too.
Drawing the line at interference with my body and my freedom.
The freedom to express my mind, through thought, writing, action, speech, what have you. So long as I don’t hurt or impede someone else’s freedom then I should be let be.
And maybe the world can’t give me freedom or full acceptance, but I give it to myself as much as I can. I give myself the right to be me and I really just like to extend that to the world. If we can all truly be our authentic, vulnerable selves.
The thing is if you don’t live vulnerable, to some degree, if you don’t want to believe that most people are good and that it’s ok to let your heart show, then what kind of life will you lead? One of bitterness? Fear? Cynicism?
Ugghhh. Ok. Yea. Some people do and they like it and hey, you gotta admire commitment to that I guess, but all in all that just doesn’t sound fun or soul pleasing to me.
I’ve believed in God since I can remember. Since my very first memories when my grandmother taught me to pray. I have thankfully learned a lot more a long the way about God, the soul, connecting to your heart.
And it’s moments I’ve truly connected to people, nature, music, dance, love, etc. that have been some of the absolute best moments of my life. And they were moments of depth and vulnerability and honesty and that’s what I have searched for so much in my life.
It’s what I’ve been searching for and sometimes am so gratefully able to find here and there, especially when I really try to be present. And it’s such simplicity of a single thing, a moment of truth. I can’t explain it but to me it feels so magical.
I really love life. I really love this whole thing. Through the ups and downs. Through the good and the bad. Through the trials and the tribulations I am sometimes struck so deeply in awe of it all that I can help but be thankful to be alive. Then the rest of the time, I’m just doing my best, trying to just be.
Hope you enjoy this day of just being.
*Although I do like that song. Lol