I don’t particularly care for prisons. I don’t think that system truly helps protect society or reforms prisoners.
So it’s odd that I’ve been in the strange and unpleasant position to be able to bring up abuse charges against several men; including my own father (physical in his case as opposed to sexual in all the others). Had I chosen that long, torturous road I may have been able to put a couple of them behind bars, maybe.
Except for the shame involved with being abused and the fact that you can, unfortunately, get rather used to it and learn to live with it happening. But… that’s another blog topic.
More than anything, that’s a reality I never wanted for my own children. Yet, statistically that was very likely to be the case. I don’t think I fully understood that until these last three years.
I look back at the men I have been attracted to since my divorce. They all have a common thread of pedophilia and/or incest related sexual desires. I look at my own sexual desires and there is still a thread of that there; of getting aroused by being the “victim”.
While common thought says that this is very deeply ingrained in my subconscious because of my first sexual encounter and that as role-playing between consenting adults it can be fun and fulfilling and there is no need for shame…. I am weary of that.
I believe that it isn’t until I truly heal from the past that I will stop gravitating towards it. Because it’s one thing to play and it’s another to put your children in danger.
So this brings me to something that has been on my mind a lot these last few days. How am I so sure when exactly I started being attracted to these types of men? Prior to my marriage I never played like this sexually. Prior to my marriage I was still unaware of my own disposition and I can’t say that any of the men I dated fit the mold; but being unaware and not knowing or seeing any signs or even having that in my mind at all, how can I be sure?
How can I be sure of anything really?
And that’s the whole thing. Until I am absolutely sure that who am with is no harm to my children I would much rather be alone.
There was a funny, not so funny, very apropos tweet I saw recently that spoke to this. It was two women talking and one says “I only attract losers” and the other says “that’s not true, you attract all kinds of men, but have you stopped to think about who you are attracted to?”.
Now not to blame every person in a bad relationship, because people change, circumstances change, I am no one to judge. But……it is something I have to contend with within myself.