I want to have no doubts – sexual abuse

I don’t particularly care for prisons. I don’t think that system truly helps protect society or reforms prisoners.

So it’s odd that I’ve been in the strange and unpleasant position to be able to bring up abuse charges against several men; including my own father (physical in his case as opposed to sexual in all the others). Had I chosen that long, torturous road I may have been able to put a couple of them behind bars, maybe.

Except for the shame involved with being abused and the fact that you can, unfortunately, get rather used to it and learn to live with it happening. But… that’s another blog topic.

More than anything, that’s a reality I never wanted for my own children. Yet, statistically that was very likely to be the case. I don’t think I fully understood that until these last three years.

I look back at the men I have been attracted to since my divorce. They all have a common thread of pedophilia and/or incest related sexual desires. I look at my own sexual desires and there is still a thread of that there; of getting aroused by being the “victim”.

While common thought says that this is very deeply ingrained in my subconscious because of my first sexual encounter and that as role-playing between consenting adults it can be fun and fulfilling and there is no need for shame…. I am weary of that.

I believe that it isn’t until I truly heal from the past that I will stop gravitating towards it. Because it’s one thing to play and it’s another to put your children in danger.

So this brings me to something that has been on my mind a lot these last few days. How am I so sure when exactly I started being attracted to these types of men? Prior to my marriage I never played like this sexually. Prior to my marriage I was still unaware of my own disposition and I can’t say that any of the men I dated fit the mold; but being unaware and not knowing or seeing any signs or even having that in my mind at all, how can I be sure?

How can I be sure of anything really?

And that’s the whole thing. Until I am absolutely sure that who am with is no harm to my children I would much rather be alone.

There was a funny, not so funny, very apropos tweet I saw recently that spoke to this. It was two women talking and one says “I only attract losers” and the other says “that’s not true, you attract all kinds of men, but have you stopped to think about who you are attracted to?”.

Now not to blame every person in a bad relationship, because people change, circumstances change, I am no one to judge. But……it is something I have to contend with within myself.

And heal.


Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

4 thoughts on “I want to have no doubts – sexual abuse”

  1. Sending hugs and strength
    It’s not just about forgiveness. But processing, moving past, letting go. Making sense of the bits you haven’t yet made sense of for you’ve done so so much.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Neither of those solutions have worked for me. I have already truly forgiven myself and them.

    You’re right though. I need to avoid these situations and educate myself about what it looks like. But…. more than anything I know I need to heal the pain inside and learn to let that go. Learn to let that little girl heal. So that I stand any chance of not being attracted to it.

    And now that I have full awareness. Now that I understand myself more and how it all interconnects, I stand a batter chance of doing that. I hope.


    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sadly, it’s a well-known fact that those who have been abused have a very difficult time getting past it and it messes with people in very different ways from avoiding interacting with people to, sometimes, unleashing a sexual “monster” who thinks that having “non-abusive sex” – and a lot of it – is the key to resolving their feelings of abuse. Many find that if they “go on as usual and as expected” they run into people who have their own “kinks” that are easily converted into abuse-like behavior – that “I only attract losers” thing you mentioned but as it’s said, when any of this looks like a nail – and it will tend to look like one – all you can think about is getting your hands on a hammer.

    What’s the solution? Professionals say that you should not only forgive the abuser but learn to forgive yourself and I guess there’s some sense in this. They’d want you to look at it all, get your feelings out in the open since keeping them in is highly destructive and, hopefully, you’ll be able to be okay with it all and with yourself.

    My thought – and people probably wouldn’t agree with this – is that, fuck – it happened and whatever it was. You couldn’t prevent it from happening for whatever reason. So it’s over and done with and nothing – and I mean nothing – is ever going to change the fact that it happened so now you have a choice: Let it keep fucking with you for the rest of your life… or get yourself to stop it from fucking with you. Ya wish it had never happened – but it did. What you can do is to avoid situations that are genuinely abusive and educate yourself to know exactly what that looks like instead of letting your emotions get involved and, as it tends to happen, misidentify behaviors in others.

    There is absolutely NOTHING you can do about someone else’s sexual proclivities… except to avoid the ones that don’t sit well with you. The question you need to ask yourself and get around to resolving is if you were a victim in the past, are you being victimized now? And, I hate to tell you this, but if you still feel victimized, you’re doing it to yourself because you just keep letting this fuck with you and, yes, I do know that this kind of shit is very hard to deal with… but you’re either gonna deal with it and resolve it… or you’re gonna do what a lot of people do:

    Let it keep fucking with you and making you a miserable puppy. Your choice. You’re never going to forget it and I don’t believe that it’s always about forgiveness so much. When it comes to justice, well, yeah, there’s no real sense of justice is there? Criminals rarely get rehabilitated; they do their time and go right back to doing whatever got them imprisoned in the first place… and there’s nothing you can do about that other than to watch your back. It’s unfair… but no one said or promised that life is fair, did they? You’re either gonna deal with it or you aren’t; it’s going to plague you for the rest of your life – and screw up a lot of things in your life – or you’re going to be very determined to not let it keep messing with you. Over and done with. Cannot ever be undone. Wish it never happened… will not ever change the fact that it did.

    Now… what are you gonna do? Stuff the whole sordid mess into a black hole in your mind and stop worrying about it… or let it keep running around where you can “see” it?


    Liked by 1 person

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