I’ve gained, hold on, let me actually jump on the scale, 😬 35 pounds since the day I met Brad almost two years ago. Lack of a consistent exercise routine, lack of healthy activities and way too many restaurant and fast food meals equalled a disaster for my waist and overall health.
It also reset my taste buds to crave higher fats, sugars and salt in my meals and conditioned my body to consume more calories at every meal. As the food I typically ordered was densely packed with unnecessary amounts of additives, preservatives, chemicals, fats, and more.
I don’t blame Brad. I am a glutton. I have hedonistic tendencies. Which is why left to my own accord I eat out maybe once or twice a week and generally even then not extremely unhealthy, nothing like The Rock’s cheat days (although he definitely deserves them).
But put me in the mindset of indulgence with others indulging and I go straight for the bad stuff. Which is why I can’t go to bars. Which is why I don’t associate with people that do harsh drugs. I have self control. But….. it’s situational and fluctuates wildly.
Right now… truthfully I’m glad I’m single and fat. Because I have zero motivation to date and even less to have sex. I have been a bit asexual for months now. Which Brad took great offense to. Here he thought he signed up for hot sex with a perverted nymphomaniac and now I’m more of a spiritual enthusiast with no sex drive. Lol. Oh well. We all evolve.
I, for one, am glad to just work on me. No distractions. No men. No sex. And absolutely no dating. Just the word is so unpleasant to think of. The flashbacks of all the men I dated to even get to Brad. 🙄🤔🤨. Ugghhh. I still love men but more in the context of fellow human beings and not in the context of providing me with dick, orgasms and company. 😂😂😂
I am going to work on being truly happy, comfortable and stable from the inside out. I’m going to get back into healthy routines for myself, my body, my health and also spiritual gain. A reset of my body and mind.
Ideally I’d love to lose 45 pounds, but if I don’t lose a single pound I’ll be fine too. My goal is to be truly healthy and happy and that has zero to do with the scale and all to do with the inner workings of my own spirit.
I’ll tell you quickly what broke us up this time. The bazillionth time. 🙄. We actually had a great time together last week. He was very loving and affectionate. He was saying all the things a women in my position would love to hear: “I’ll take care of you”. “you don’t have to worry about anything anymore financially or otherwise”. “Whatever you and the kids need, I’m here. This is your house.”
On and on the words came out of his mouth and I realized how many times he has said those words and how they have lost all meaning because they are just words he spouts at me with no actions behind them.
So I get so irritated and angered I start asking him how? How he plans on doing all these things? What the game plan is? And of course we reach no answer here because there is no plan, there is no action allocated to these words.
But even worse maybe is that I’m not even sure that’s what I want from him. He has his own visions on the future and I’m honestly not sure what my future holds, but I don’t see ours being aligned.
And, unfortunately, even when we have tried to keep it frivolous and light between us inevitably one of us always brings up the future and wanting more and we end up right back at nothing. I get that it’s hard to make plans between someone who can’t commit and hates change with someone that has a complicated and rather entangled life. Then add that both parties are pretty equally stubborn and self righteous.
I expect a lot is going to change in the next few months and while I’m not in charge of all of the circumstances I do have say in my response and actions. I don’t mind the responsibility of that. For now, more than anything, I want happiness and stability for my children. That’s what I seek to manifest more than anything. So I’m going to redirect all my focus on the things I have control of. And stop putting my focus on men, sex and things that really can’t benefit me; short or long term.
Fortuitously Fat indeed. Lol