Stark contrast in things I’ve been thinking of.
I went to sleep last night wondering where my soul will venture off to when I leave this life. I wondered and hoped it would go off to connect with my soul family. Those spirits that I have loved and held dear to my heart through all my transformations and adventures.
In reincarnation they believe that you keep bumping into the same people your karma is intertwined with over and over. But that could be good or bad, I suppose. Where I hope to join forces in a place of pure bliss with those I have a deep connection of love with, those I have created into a family.
But now in a waking state I think that seems a tad bit selfish. Do these other beings not have a right to their own place of bliss with those they connected to in love? Would they be the same people? Would they be enlightened beings? Would everyone live in peace and joy?
So many questions in this life that I want to answer for myself. So many things I yearn to grasp that I don’t have a clear sense of. Beyond heaven and hell. Beyond the divine all. Beyond other worlds and times and lives. There is so much more than what we see and what we think we know.
Ultimately it made me keenly aware that I don’t have a deep connection to a community of spiritual people here, now and that is something I say I want and long for and yet can not seem to find or have not tried hard enough for.
I don’t have answers here, only questions that make me wonder at the expanse of it all.
So Brad and I keep having our break-up and make-up, on and off thing still. We are currently on. I suppose in the grand scheme of things, with my life so uncertain it’s nice to have some emotional support. Even if we drive each other crazy sometimes.
Sexually things have been different between us. I no longer crave or enjoy any form of submissive sex. I don’t want pain. I don’t want subspace. I don’t want bondage.
I did get extremely wet when he talked me through an orgasm with rape play in it though. But it wasn’t acted out or physically that. Because God knows I am done with the actuality or being raped. I honestly can’t even tell you how many times in my life I have been forced, taken advantage of, coerced, or badgered into having sex with men I had absolutely no desire or intention to have sex with. It’s a lot. Too many.
But it’s obviously something that is still deep in my psyche that I may never outgrow finding mentally enjoyable. But who knows. I don’t find submission enjoyable at all anymore and I never thought that would happen.
I really want more than anything to find my way to a partner with which I can have tantric sex and highly sensual sex. Someone I can make true love with. That is such a beautiful dream to me.
I guess life will dictate. Won’t it?
But I think that eventually I may need to make room for it. 🤷🏽♀️