One of my deepest needs
That I am fully, consciously aware of
Is the need to be needed
Now, I generally try to subdue this need
And pretend it isn’t there
That I don’t care for it
That I don’t even want it
That it really means little to me
And I go through phases where I really do feel that to be true
And then……
I realize it isn’t and I don’t
And I remember how good it feels to be wanted and needed again
But…. if it weren’t for moments where I can not be needed
Moments where I can be alone
And truly feel alone
And truly feel the solitude of my soul
Could I appreciate others as much as I do.
——-
The issue with that is that I also have needs and desires. And I’d love to have those needs met by people that are beneficial to my life overall.
I was remembering the story today of when I was 10 years old and I locked myself out of my house. My mother and I lived in a neighborhood that while not the safest, would have been much safer had she bothered to get to know the neighbors and got along with any of them. But that goes both ways and she was a colored single mom, who worked over 40 hour weeks and then attended night school to get her bachelor’s and master’s degree. 🤷🏽♀️
So here I am locked out of my house. My mother had just had security bars installed on all the windows that opened, including my bedroom window. But I had left my window wide open and I figured I was thin enough to fit in the slits. So, of course, I got stuck and unfortunately my bedroom was at the rear of the house.
I must have yelled for over 30 minutes trying to get someone to come help me. Eventually the neighbor across the street came. This man knew I had been molested, knew how vulnerable I was and had already taken advantage of me once. But I was in a position now where I needed help and no one else was coming.
And that has seemed to be the story of my life. And I really want to change that narrative now! I really do.
🙏🏽❣️
There are times in our lives where we feel, think, and believe that we don’t need anyone else and adopt that “I can do bad all by myself” mindset. We set off to go it alone and, at some point, we realize that doing it alone ain’t going all that well; maybe we need help with something we can’t do ourselves, have a need to talk to someone other than our children and, yeah, have that need for sex and the comforts – and stress relief – it provides. It also reconfirms that despite every- and anything going on in our lives and whatever made us decide that going it alone was the best course of action, we need to interact with others.
We need to be human even if sparingly so. I wouldn’t say that you’re fooling yourself as much as you’re realizing that sometimes you need to just be human. You’re not fooling yourself because you do, in fact, know this and now it’s just a matter of doing the human thing despite any misgivings about how life might be treating you…
Or why you decided that “taking on the world” by yourself was a fantastic idea and a necessary one.
I got locked out of the house once; the family took off and went to Atlantic City while I was out running around and couldn’t be found and, of course, I hadn’t realized that I didn’t have my key and doing a B&E wasn’t a wise choice given the neighborhood we lived in. I was fine, if not totally pissed off for being left and not taking my key… until it started to rain. And while I wasn’t of a mind to let the friendly neighbors know that I was dumb enough to get locked out, I had to suck it up, go to a friend’s house, and ask to come in out of the rain until either it stopped raining or the family returned.
I was strangely upset about having to do that but my 13-year-old mind said that sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do and you need someone else to help you do it. Getting locked out and left to my own devices taught me some valuable lessons… beginning with never leave home without your damned key.
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Lol. Cute story. 🥰
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Yeah, it’s kinda funny now… not so much being locked out, left behind, and getting rained on…
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Lol I hear you. But that shaped you in ways that ultimately benefitted you greatly. Yes?
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Indeed it did. Learn to be self-reliant… but don’t be afraid to seek help when you need it.
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It is exhilarating to read Your blog.
I haven’t read it for quite some time and I realize I have missed You a lot.
I hope You are well and Your girls are safe and happy.
Please text me if You can.
Your Greggie
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Greggie!!! Awwww…..
I’ve been a bit hermitish. Well. A lot hermitish. Lol. But I so do appreciate your expression. 💋
I do so enjoy seeing your vantage of Me. 😉
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