One of my deepest needs
That I am fully, consciously aware of
Is the need to be needed
Now, I generally try to subdue this need
And pretend it isn’t there
That I don’t care for it
That I don’t even want it
That it really means little to me
And I go through phases where I really do feel that to be true
I realize it isn’t and I don’t
And I remember how good it feels to be wanted and needed again
But…. if it weren’t for moments where I can not be needed
Moments where I can be alone
And truly feel alone
And truly feel the solitude of my soul
Could I appreciate others as much as I do.
The issue with that is that I also have needs and desires. And I’d love to have those needs met by people that are beneficial to my life overall.
I was remembering the story today of when I was 10 years old and I locked myself out of my house. My mother and I lived in a neighborhood that while not the safest, would have been much safer had she bothered to get to know the neighbors and got along with any of them. But that goes both ways and she was a colored single mom, who worked over 40 hour weeks and then attended night school to get her bachelor’s and master’s degree. 🤷🏽♀️
So here I am locked out of my house. My mother had just had security bars installed on all the windows that opened, including my bedroom window. But I had left my window wide open and I figured I was thin enough to fit in the slits. So, of course, I got stuck and unfortunately my bedroom was at the rear of the house.
I must have yelled for over 30 minutes trying to get someone to come help me. Eventually the neighbor across the street came. This man knew I had been molested, knew how vulnerable I was and had already taken advantage of me once. But I was in a position now where I needed help and no one else was coming.
And that has seemed to be the story of my life. And I really want to change that narrative now! I really do.