I’m not fooling anyone am I?

One of my deepest needs

That I am fully, consciously aware of

Is the need to be needed

Now, I generally try to subdue this need

And pretend it isn’t there

That I don’t care for it

That I don’t even want it

That it really means little to me

And I go through phases where I really do feel that to be true

And then……

I realize it isn’t and I don’t

And I remember how good it feels to be wanted and needed again

But…. if it weren’t for moments where I can not be needed

Moments where I can be alone

And truly feel alone

And truly feel the solitude of my soul

Could I appreciate others as much as I do.


The issue with that is that I also have needs and desires. And I’d love to have those needs met by people that are beneficial to my life overall.

I was remembering the story today of when I was 10 years old and I locked myself out of my house. My mother and I lived in a neighborhood that while not the safest, would have been much safer had she bothered to get to know the neighbors and got along with any of them. But that goes both ways and she was a colored single mom, who worked over 40 hour weeks and then attended night school to get her bachelor’s and master’s degree. πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

So here I am locked out of my house. My mother had just had security bars installed on all the windows that opened, including my bedroom window. But I had left my window wide open and I figured I was thin enough to fit in the slits. So, of course, I got stuck and unfortunately my bedroom was at the rear of the house.

I must have yelled for over 30 minutes trying to get someone to come help me. Eventually the neighbor across the street came. This man knew I had been molested, knew how vulnerable I was and had already taken advantage of me once. But I was in a position now where I needed help and no one else was coming.

And that has seemed to be the story of my life. And I really want to change that narrative now! I really do.


Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

7 thoughts on “I’m not fooling anyone am I?”

  1. There are times in our lives where we feel, think, and believe that we don’t need anyone else and adopt that “I can do bad all by myself” mindset. We set off to go it alone and, at some point, we realize that doing it alone ain’t going all that well; maybe we need help with something we can’t do ourselves, have a need to talk to someone other than our children and, yeah, have that need for sex and the comforts – and stress relief – it provides. It also reconfirms that despite every- and anything going on in our lives and whatever made us decide that going it alone was the best course of action, we need to interact with others.

    We need to be human even if sparingly so. I wouldn’t say that you’re fooling yourself as much as you’re realizing that sometimes you need to just be human. You’re not fooling yourself because you do, in fact, know this and now it’s just a matter of doing the human thing despite any misgivings about how life might be treating you…

    Or why you decided that “taking on the world” by yourself was a fantastic idea and a necessary one.

    I got locked out of the house once; the family took off and went to Atlantic City while I was out running around and couldn’t be found and, of course, I hadn’t realized that I didn’t have my key and doing a B&E wasn’t a wise choice given the neighborhood we lived in. I was fine, if not totally pissed off for being left and not taking my key… until it started to rain. And while I wasn’t of a mind to let the friendly neighbors know that I was dumb enough to get locked out, I had to suck it up, go to a friend’s house, and ask to come in out of the rain until either it stopped raining or the family returned.

    I was strangely upset about having to do that but my 13-year-old mind said that sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do and you need someone else to help you do it. Getting locked out and left to my own devices taught me some valuable lessons… beginning with never leave home without your damned key.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is exhilarating to read Your blog.
    I haven’t read it for quite some time and I realize I have missed You a lot.
    I hope You are well and Your girls are safe and happy.
    Please text me if You can.
    Your Greggie

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Greggie!!! Awwww…..

      I’ve been a bit hermitish. Well. A lot hermitish. Lol. But I so do appreciate your expression. πŸ’‹

      I do so enjoy seeing your vantage of Me. πŸ˜‰


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s