To see myself grow so much
It’s not all that odd really
I’ve always been very spiritual
I’ve always had an innate sense
Of right and wrong
Led by a strong gut sense
Much more than anything I was ever taught
Although as a teenager I did tote around
Ram Dass’ book Be Here Now and read it voraciously
Over and over
Much as people read the Bible I guess
Until I lost it one day and was too poor to replace it. Lol
I picked it up recently again and still enjoyed it
But not as much as I had then
It seemed antiquated to me now
And somewhat patriarchal
And almost too Christian…. lol
But maybe those are my own prejudices to work through 🤷🏽♀️
I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with myself. I’d really like to write those books in my head. I’d really like to be a spiritual healer/teacher.
But it sounds so strange to say that. Maybe because I’ve never really taken myself all that serious in life but that to me seems a very serious thing. Fortunately I don’t have to be anyone’s expectations of what they think that is. I only have to be me.
Maybe it’s a leap of faith I just need to take…..one day. Much like being a mother was, I suppose. Lol
I was thinking about this a lot yesterday. I was remembering the feeling I had the moment in the hospital after my first was born, 48 hours after her birth when they said “you’ve been discharged”.
Let me preface by saying that, I had read tons of books and attended all the baby 101 classes I could take, gotten all the necessary furniture and accessories and was theoretically ready to handle this new adventure.
But when the nurse said that it threw me into a sheer panic. I was like “no, absolutely not, I’m not ready”. I wanted to stay in the hospital or take the nurse home with me. I didn’t feel capable at all. That feeling persisted a while, although the panic subsided.
When she was about 4-6 months old. I remember walking down the stairs holding her. We were starting our morning; both still groggy. I got one step into the kitchen and stopped completely and just stared at her. I was absolutely dumbfounded. How was I in charge of this little life? Me, who could barely take care of myself, in charge of an entire other beings life. This one right here. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t talk. I just stood there in complete disbelief staring at her. Paralyzed. In shock, I guess.
She looked at me, and as if she knew exactly what I was thinking, smiled warmly and tilted her head so that I could kiss her cheek. And I understood as if she had spoken the words right into my heart, that all I had to do was love her. That that would be enough.
And I have loved all my children ferociously. More than I’ve loved anything and although I’ve faltered plenty, my love never had. And they’re still alive; so…that’s a good sign. Lol
And maybe that is I all I need; love and faith.
And now the Beatles song in my head.
But it’s still a funny thought to go from Porngirl to whatever I deem to call myself now. When I figure that out I’ll let you know. Lol
I do like the terms I used as a Domme: goddess, master. But those seem a might presumptuous and there is an strong element of humility to spirituality that can’t be overlooked or undervalued. But I guess I’ll know if and when I get there. 🤣😂🤣😂😝