So strange (cacoon)

To see myself grow so much

It’s not all that odd really

I’ve always been very spiritual

I’ve always had an innate sense

Of right and wrong

Led by a strong gut sense

Much more than anything I was ever taught

Or read

Although as a teenager I did tote around

Ram Dass’ book Be Here Now and read it voraciously

Over and over

Much as people read the Bible I guess

Until I lost it one day and was too poor to replace it. Lol

I picked it up recently again and still enjoyed it

But not as much as I had then

It seemed antiquated to me now

And somewhat patriarchal

And almost too Christian…. lol

But maybe those are my own prejudices to work through πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

———

I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with myself. I’d really like to write those books in my head. I’d really like to be a spiritual healer/teacher.

But it sounds so strange to say that. Maybe because I’ve never really taken myself all that serious in life but that to me seems a very serious thing. Fortunately I don’t have to be anyone’s expectations of what they think that is. I only have to be me.

Maybe it’s a leap of faith I just need to take…..one day. Much like being a mother was, I suppose. Lol

I was thinking about this a lot yesterday. I was remembering the feeling I had the moment in the hospital after my first was born, 48 hours after her birth when they said “you’ve been discharged”.

Let me preface by saying that, I had read tons of books and attended all the baby 101 classes I could take, gotten all the necessary furniture and accessories and was theoretically ready to handle this new adventure.

But when the nurse said that it threw me into a sheer panic. I was like “no, absolutely not, I’m not ready”. I wanted to stay in the hospital or take the nurse home with me. I didn’t feel capable at all. That feeling persisted a while, although the panic subsided.

When she was about 4-6 months old. I remember walking down the stairs holding her. We were starting our morning; both still groggy. I got one step into the kitchen and stopped completely and just stared at her. I was absolutely dumbfounded. How was I in charge of this little life? Me, who could barely take care of myself, in charge of an entire other beings life. This one right here. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t talk. I just stood there in complete disbelief staring at her. Paralyzed. In shock, I guess.

She looked at me, and as if she knew exactly what I was thinking, smiled warmly and tilted her head so that I could kiss her cheek. And I understood as if she had spoken the words right into my heart, that all I had to do was love her. That that would be enough.

And I have loved all my children ferociously. More than I’ve loved anything and although I’ve faltered plenty, my love never had. And they’re still alive; so…that’s a good sign. Lol

And maybe that is I all I need; love and faith.

And now the Beatles song in my head.

βœŒπŸ½πŸŒβ£οΈπŸ™πŸ½πŸŒˆπŸ₯°πŸ’‹

But it’s still a funny thought to go from Porngirl to whatever I deem to call myself now. When I figure that out I’ll let you know. Lol

I do like the terms I used as a Domme: goddess, master. But those seem a might presumptuous and there is an strong element of humility to spirituality that can’t be overlooked or undervalued. But I guess I’ll know if and when I get there. πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ˜

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

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