I used to really identify with the song “love to be loved” by Peter Gabriel. I used to feel this deep emptiness inside that I thought I needed someone to fix or heal or love. Not to say people can’t help in that respect but I’ve learned over the years that what I mainly need to heal, grow, thrive and be at peace within myself is my own love. Once I found that I no longer felt an empty void. I no longer felt the need to be needed.
Now I am still a social creature. I still love and enjoy people but I feel very firm within myself that I don’t need accolades, merit badges or commendations of any kind to feel worthy of love, especially not my own. I don’t need it. It’s nice, sure, but it isn’t necessary to my well being.
Maybe because I have lived counter to so much of what I’ve seen in this world, I’ve thought such extreme thoughts and fought such extreme battles within and without that I feel firm enough within myself to have happiness with who I am trying to be: me. That’s it. Nothing else. Just who I was put here to be.
I’m happy I get let to be that person. And on the marquees of my next abode will be the simple phrase “free to be”. Because we all deserve such a wonderful blessing. We all do indeed.
Brad bought all this stuff for a great meal. I cooked it. It was so delectable. Filet mignon, mashed potatoes, grilled onions and mushrooms, roasted brussel sprouts, feta cheese bread.
No restrictions on that meal. I told him after the fact that this was my birthday dinner. Even though my birthday is tomorrow I doubt we will do anything even remotely noteworthy. I plan on making the kids lives difficult by having a device free day.
But that’s all I want. Right now we seem so glued to our devices and TV’s and computers. I want to get outside too, even though it will probably be raining all day. We’ll see how far we get.
Brad also asked me yesterday what kind of man I was going to date after him. As if those plans were already in motion. Sometimes I really have no clue what people want of me when they say silly things. I told him that as far as I was concerned if and when we were no longer a thing I had plans on going asexual. Not looking for companionship with any man or woman, not sexually and definitely not for a relationship. I plan on working on myself, and my spiritual path.
He laughed and asked if he had ruined me. I didn’t understand why he would say that. I just don’t want anything from anyone besides to share joy and authentic connection and I don’t need sex or a piece of paper or intentions of anything besides just being.
That’s all I want to be. I want the right to be happy with myself and I don’t need anyone for that. I really don’t. I guess I could be wrong. I’ve been known to be wrong here and there. But my hard knocks make me who I am I suppose and I really just need to stay true to me. That’s all I really do need and sometimes that takes reminding myself what I don’t need.