I’ve been thinking a lot about incestuous sex. Maybe because it’s been the only sex I’ve been role-playing lately.
I also let myself watch porn a couple times recently. I caught a comment on one of the scenes. It said something to the effect of “how can anyone get enjoyment from watching this young woman with low self esteem getting used by this grown man?” It jarred me. It really did.
My sex life has been plentiful. I think it’s been rather tame, all things considered; as far as the possibilities to be had. Lol.
The power exchange of being Domme is truly mouthwatering delicious. The ecstacy of making love is unparalleled. I’m hoping tantric sex (should I hopefully get to have it) surpasses both.
But now I seem stuck in this loop I want to get out of. I’m sick of the damaged girl saga. I’m officially done. I’m really tired of it. What happened to me is in the past and I am not that confused, scared little girl anymore. My sex life doesn’t need to reflect what my psyche still (obviously) wants to heal. I don’t have to keep repeating the storyline and honestly I just don’t want to anymore. It’s time to let that all go.
How this will look going forward I haven’t a clue. But I know I need to reach that little girl inside; let her feel truly, deeply, wholesomely and unconditionally loved; worthy of so much more than just what her body can do for pleasure.
I don’t ever intend on going asexual. But I do intend on being much more mindful and purposeful in the sex I have. Where that will lead me I hope will be to a grand adventure.
I also realized tonight that I am still obsessed with obsession. I was rewatching Twilight tonight and the way the main characters are drawn so very deeply to each other is something I want and need to feel.
Where that comes from I don’t quite know. Perhaps that’s something I also need to look at one day. But not tonight.
This night I want to sleep a slumber of angelic, peaceful bliss.
Sweet dreams world.