I got a call from Paul this morning. Walking me through my situation and his situation. It was pretty depressing. Until finally I got to the point where I stopped him and said “enough”. While I consider myself overall pragmatic, he is truly a numbers guy. He can look at something and ask all the right questions. Where I follow my gut and instinct, he goes with charts, figures and business acumen.
I love the boy. I’ve loved him since the first time I met him. I love him still. He is the Tasmanian devil, a whirlwind of fun. Or at lease he can be. Lately he is the voice of doom and gloom. It surprises me from him. He, like myself, had a very rough childhood. He is used to hard knocks, but based on today’s conversation I have to say he sounded a bit more frazzled than usual. I feel for him.
It made me realize that I have learned to handle a huge amount of distress and discomfort in life and still (usually) find peace within myself. I can see things falling apart around me and still sense a path of calmness, even if I can’t see it.
When I was young, very young, like 4 or 5 I would have dreams where a massive earthquake would hit and the building we lived in would get leveled and my parents killed. I would be the sole survivor standing in the rubble. I was always sad, so deeply sad, but also in that sadness I was always resolute. I knew I would go on. I didn’t know how, where or with who, but I knew I would. The dreams were very distressing. But in retrospect, they also helped me be who I am now.
The person that can handle very high levels of stress, knowing my limits, what I need to do for myself, and finding my own path within the confines I’m given. I guess going from house to house, town to town, school to school, family to family as a child taught me not only that every place is different. But that everyone has their own demands and expectations and as long as you can navigate within or find a way around that you can survive. And my childhood and life had always been about survival.
I have been hoping it would one day be about ease and thriving. About bringing out my innermost vulnerable self to play in the world. About letting that childlike innocence come out. But I’m pretty sure now isn’t that time.
It almost seems I was prepped for times like these. But then again, who’s to say what’s coming. At least, I can circumnavigate myself in my own head to a place of peace and comfort. But like I told Paul. I’ve had enough of this negative forecasting….. so next time he calls he has to speak to me of happy things. Enough lectures and postulating of future economical factors. We shall see when and if he calls again. But I can’t be the sounding board for people’s stress. I’ve never been good at that. Because in my mind it isn’t worth talking about.
You give it too much time, energy and credit in your life when you focus on it. You make it more than it is and needs to be. We all have difficulties. No life is perfectly serene. Put energy on the good things. Focus on what makes you happy. Be good to yourself and others. It always comes back to that. Simple. So simple. So very simple to be at peace. No reason to overthink things really. No reason at all.