Oops I did it again

I broke up with Brad. I wasn’t trying to do that. But we have not been getting along and that turns me into a bit of a sullen bitch around him and I really don’t like myself that way.

I can’t put an exact marker on it but it feels like it really started when we were arguing about something and he said he wished I could feel the pain he’s in for just a few moments, so I could understand. It absolutely floored me that he would wish that on me. Who does that? Who wishes their pain on someone else? Someone they supposedly love?

From there (this was about 2 weeks ago) things only got progressively worse and rather rapidly.

So I’m realizing last night that every little thing he was doing and saying was driving me crazy. I had zero tolerance for him altogether: his immature jokes, his complaints, his temperament, his decisions…. every little thing was aggravating me.

So when he left I thought that I should clarify where we were and simply told him that I don’t like who I am lately when we are together, that he needs to stop talking about marriage and living together and especially about him catching me fucking other men.

That I want to only be friends. Friends with benefits maybe but that what I felt was most important is that as friends we be nice to each other and I really want to focus on that. I want us to be able to enjoy the little time we have together. He was having none of it. He agreed that he doesn’t know how to please me but that we can’t be just friends.

I need friends so losing one is not what I had intended, but as it stands now…. whatever this is, this messy cycle we have now, is not worth keeping.

I hope one day he changes his mind. I also hope he figures out a way out of the pain he is in. But he isn’t my charge and I’m not his. This is all probably for the best. After all, I come with my own set of extraordinary circumstances which he had to carry. There are things I’ve nuanced about here that I was completely transparent with him about and that’s a lot to shoulder. It’s a heavy load.

So……. with bittersweet feelings this marks another end. Will it last? Will the break take? Who knows. I really, truly do wish we could just be friends one day.

But right now is the time to keep pressing forward with my life. There are a lot of pans on the fire and I need to just take away from this relationship the things I learned, treasured and enjoyed. And appreciate it for what it was and what it would never be.

Right now I simply need to focus on what I want to do moving ahead to live the life I seek: one of serenity, inner peace and freedom.

One where I feel closely connected to the Divine. Maybe this journey is meant to be done alone. I don’t know. I just know that the path carries on.


Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

30 thoughts on “Oops I did it again”

  1. As a quiet man who has trouble explaining my feelings I do understand brad’s side. NOT that I am on his side! My way to enlightenment was to watch ‘romantic chick flicks’ and read blogs like yours. πŸ€”πŸ˜š

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The relationship Brad and I had is a long, complicated story. He has a lot of great qualities and I know he genuinely loved me, but that part of my life is over now. I’m just barely starting to get clarity myself.


      1. I had a simular story with a girl many years ago. I wish now that I’d stayed friends but it took a few decades. Not sure ‘benifits’ can be included with guy friends? We become possesive of sex partners.πŸ€”

        Liked by 1 person

    1. What I mean by that is that people often wonder (in Judaism) if they lost their ‘zivug’ – destined partner. And the answer is that there are partners for different times. That it may be one. And at times it may be more. That you have to experience one to be ready for another. Not putting it into words very well…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Levity was the intent. I know this rollercoaster ride as ceased to be fun for you. But what the He’ll. If I was completely sensitive to women, I probably would not have 2 marriages that tanked.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Completely sensitive to women? Lol. Yea. You’d think knowing what I want and asking for it would be a solution. But that seems to actually always make it even worse. πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ™„πŸ€¨

          Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s