I broke up with Brad. I wasn’t trying to do that. But we have not been getting along and that turns me into a bit of a sullen bitch around him and I really don’t like myself that way.
I can’t put an exact marker on it but it feels like it really started when we were arguing about something and he said he wished I could feel the pain he’s in for just a few moments, so I could understand. It absolutely floored me that he would wish that on me. Who does that? Who wishes their pain on someone else? Someone they supposedly love?
From there (this was about 2 weeks ago) things only got progressively worse and rather rapidly.
So I’m realizing last night that every little thing he was doing and saying was driving me crazy. I had zero tolerance for him altogether: his immature jokes, his complaints, his temperament, his decisions…. every little thing was aggravating me.
So when he left I thought that I should clarify where we were and simply told him that I don’t like who I am lately when we are together, that he needs to stop talking about marriage and living together and especially about him catching me fucking other men.
That I want to only be friends. Friends with benefits maybe but that what I felt was most important is that as friends we be nice to each other and I really want to focus on that. I want us to be able to enjoy the little time we have together. He was having none of it. He agreed that he doesn’t know how to please me but that we can’t be just friends.
I need friends so losing one is not what I had intended, but as it stands now…. whatever this is, this messy cycle we have now, is not worth keeping.
I hope one day he changes his mind. I also hope he figures out a way out of the pain he is in. But he isn’t my charge and I’m not his. This is all probably for the best. After all, I come with my own set of extraordinary circumstances which he had to carry. There are things I’ve nuanced about here that I was completely transparent with him about and that’s a lot to shoulder. It’s a heavy load.
So……. with bittersweet feelings this marks another end. Will it last? Will the break take? Who knows. I really, truly do wish we could just be friends one day.
But right now is the time to keep pressing forward with my life. There are a lot of pans on the fire and I need to just take away from this relationship the things I learned, treasured and enjoyed. And appreciate it for what it was and what it would never be.
Right now I simply need to focus on what I want to do moving ahead to live the life I seek: one of serenity, inner peace and freedom.
One where I feel closely connected to the Divine. Maybe this journey is meant to be done alone. I don’t know. I just know that the path carries on.