I started my day out with a complaint and ended up in a pile of mush.

Yesterday was a hard day. Two difficult clients. I got asked to be a key note speaker at an event and then had to vet myself, which is stress I didn’t really ask for. So now I may not even qualify for something I didn’t even know about two days ago, that now I really want. The mortgage company keeps harassing me about paperwork. I could keep going. On and on. I mean, I really could.

The truth of it all is that I am just one person trying to take care of 2 businesses, a part-time job, a house, 3 kids, 3 pets and myself. And working 10-14 hour days is taking its toll. I’m not 22 anymore. I can’t just push and push and push myself.

Expectations. I need to manage my expectations of myself better. I wish I hadn’t cancelled that trip to the beach. Truth is, I didn’t want to leave the kids and I thought I should take advantage and work, try to help more people, save some money. Plus I was hot off of being pissed at Brad. He didn’t even want to pick me up last night to go over. After lambasting him in my last blog entry who could blame him. Lol

It’s his birthday today and I don’t think I’ll be able to see him. Full slate of clients and sporting a small hangover. Plus work early tomorrow.

I went out with Darcy last night. I had a blast. The parts I can remember. 😒😬

So…. here’s the thing. I can feel guilty and stupid for going out and doing the things I know I shouldn’t be doing. Or I can have compassion for myself, hunker down and take it easy on myself today. Be extra kind to myself. I’m obviously going through a bit of difficulty right now and the last person I need hating me is me.

So that got me to thinking. In all honesty what can I offer others when I am still on this march to sanity myself. To be a keynote speaker at an event on happiness and ways to cope in life means I should have some of my crap figured out.

I was thinking I would just give the same speech I gave at the chamber of commerce event. That’s what I submitted to vet myself at least. My rough draft (rehearsal) of the speech.

Which is here if you’re interested. Probably should have looked at it again before I sent it. Haven’t seen it since then, think it was 2018.

But right now my truth is that you can have difficulties in life, you can have unhealthy coping mechanisms, things or people in your life who make your life extraordinarily difficult; things that you may not be able to yet if ever completely transcend, but you can still find joy and peace within yourself in life. In this moment. I mean for the most part. We all have bad days and make mistakes. But to be human doesn’t have to mean to live in a constant state of fear, panic, depression, anger and “quiet desperation”.

It can just be acknowledging that life can be hard; people and circumstances can be shitty sometimes. But you can be graceful with yourself. You can allow yourself the space and time to live, to learn, to grow, and to just be.

We travel through this life experiencing waves of ignorance and enlightenment, good and bad circumstances, situations, and actions. We are sometimes our own worst enemy and wittingly or unwittingly other people’s devils in life. There is no escaping the beauty and travesty of what we can experience and who we can be. I think if we all could find peace within ourselves, regardless of circumstances, this world would be a much nicer place to be.

Fortunately… peace is not attained with money, prayer alone, platitudes and lies. Maybe some of these help, but ultimately it’s about how one truly feels about themselves and their lives deep inside. Beyond all the things we tell ourselves about ourselves and down to the ultimate truth. The one we know, even as we protest we don’t. The one that comes to haunt us.

I think…..

beyond all the superficial veneers and accolades, beyond all the ego and fear, underneath all the lies upon lies… we are all such divine beings who are also part of something so much greater than all our combined selves.

I think….

it’s a matter of showing up and being the best you can be and allowing that genuine person inside to be enough. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and human. Allowing ourselves to make mistakes, rectify what we can, and be humble to all. We all have value in this crazy world. And we need to see that and deeply believe that for ourselves, in our most deepest truth.

But really……

It’s ultimately a matter of just being ok.

I am OK. Mantra 1

Happiness is an option. Mantra 2

Or as Alice says..

Refuse to be miserable.

I absolutely refuse to be fucking miserable.

Join me. Won’t you?

(I feel this is discombobulated. Maybe it’s just my head too. Lol)

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

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