Well…..the traveling doctors extended their stay again. Which means my 2 days left got extended to 9 days more. I was going to take a trip to the beach with Brad this weekend and cancelled it to accommodate more of their clients. I’ve had only one whole day off since February 3rd. But at least I’ve stopped booking 7 clients a day. That was just way too many.
5 is ideal and 6 is pushing it a bit but still manageable knowing it’s temporary. But having a full 8 hour day of 5 clients at Jill’s and then coming home to one or two more is way too difficult and that is definitely over. I think today may be my last scheduled day of 6. But if any emergencies come up I can get them in and I like leaving a space open because they are just that… absolutely necessary on little to no notice. And I have a few regulars that tend to do that to me, or rather themselves.
Went to Brad’s the other night and had a pretty miserable time. I get that he has his own life and his own issues and his life doesn’t revolve around mine. But when I see him it’s for fun, sex, intimacy and to just have a good time; with my friend. I get that it can’t always be just fun, but honestly I’d rather not see him than suffer through his moods and shit attitude.
Especially when I have limited time to spend with him and I’m already tired and cranky myself. Probably a lot to ask but I’m talking once or twice a week at most, and even then only for a little bit of time; and while I don’t expect him to pretend to be happy I just don’t need to be around someone that’s so fucking unhappy. I get that he is in a lot of pain but…… I’ve got way too many of my own issues and problems and I really can’t take his on too.
Which means I suck as a friend I’m sure. But it is what it is. I can’t and I don’t want to take his issues on and have to deal with them. Period. Maybe if I didn’t work and my finances were in order and all I had to deal with was my kids and him. But we aren’t married. And I don’t see that this is anything besides fun and friendship. Plus…….
let’s not forget… that laundry list of complaints I have against him. Most important of which is his lack of transparency and vulnerability. He still insists he doesn’t read my blog even though I know for a fact he does. His psychological warfare, that I don’t even think he is aware of, where everyone and everything (including me) is treated as an adversary gets old. His argumentative nature, over sensitivity and immaturity is sometimes just too much for me.
And heaven forbid you ever point it out because it will lead to a huge fight about misinterpreting him. It’s definitely not something I want to deal with every single day of my life. Not to mention the fact that he has acted fairly suicidal since we met and although he always says he won’t I don’t put it past him. Will I take any fault in that? No. I absolutely won’t. And someone that does nothing to help themselves and puts it all on doctors and western medicine to “cure” them…. well… is just a bit idiotic IMO.
We are so diametrically opposed in so many ways. Even sexually with his lack of even trying to make love, let alone understand or believe in tantric sex. But he also does truly have a lot of great qualities; except he isn’t my responsibility. He is his own. And I don’t know where this is going, but it isn’t something I want to stress over whatsoever. And maybe that seems cruel but I have to have my own sense of self preservation and no matter how I feel about him my own self interest must come first, and that’s that.
I think I am going to take most of the rest of this month off after the doctors leave. My house is a giant mess. I really need some downtime and self care. I want to spend time with my kiddos. I can’t remember when I last cooked them a real meal; snacks, pizza and chicken nuggets only go so far.
I better get going. Full, long day straight ahead. Listening to Opera music now. I find it hauntingly beautiful even though I have no idea what they’re saying. Lol