what I’m looking for. The things I’ve wanted my whole life: family, career, friends, achievements, enlightenment, an all encompassing love.
I really thought I would be so happy in my life to just have my own little family; the stereotypical husband, wife, kids, pets scenario. It’s what I wanted so very much from such a young age.
I thought we would have three children and adopt at least one, maybe two. I thought I’d work, but have the time and energy to still be a great mom and wife. Boy was I wrong on all counts, with the exception that I did have three kids and with them we do form a cute, loving little family. Maybe that needs to be good enough. Maybe I need to accept that this is my lot and be grateful and satisfied with that.
But… the rest?
The career? I do love what I do. I love doing it. I enjoy my clients. I enjoy even these hard days working so much, because it’s meaningful to me. But….. there is a disquiet in my heart that tells me there is more I could be doing to help people. Something that would be even more fulfilling, more lucrative (as in not having to work so hard all the time) and will benefit more people. But it’s not clear what that is or if it’s just my frustrations planting seeds of discontent. So I will stay the course because I do like it here, at least until further notice. 😋😉
Friends: I have a very few, all at a great distance from me. Ones I can be honest with, that know me, that know the entirety of my situation in life and can accept it for what it is. I definitely need more friends, here, where I am now, in this space and time, in a tangible “let’s hang out” way.
But ones that I can also be honest with and can accept me and my life as is. Ones that won’t bring any additional and unnecessary drama, because as intense as my life is I manage it with all the grace I can without needing it to be any grand melodrama and I would like to keep it that way.
The thing I always wonder is if people think because I’m a single mom, that I will be a burden as a friend. Truthfully, I have never been a burden to anyone…. that I am aware. If anything I try to help everyone I know and love to lighten their load onto me. Which is just the way I am as a person. Which is probably how I will always be. But at the same time I also don’t need any additional burdens placed on me either. Which may explain why I am so picky when it comes to friends and who I let in. Maybe? 🤷🏽♀️🤔.
I will be going to the incest anonymous group soon. I am also going to be attending more spiritual based meetups. I’m hoping I can maybe find a kindred spirit somewhere.
Achievements: well. I’ve never been one to toot my own horn, let alone need others to celebrate me. But I would like to still write my sci-fi spiritual trilogy. Maybe get the script I wrote made into a movie. That would be fun. I’ve always wanted to do an unbiased documentary on abortion, but that’s probably already out there.
I think though, for me personally, my greatest achievement will be raising my children to be happy, centered, decent human beings that go on to give me beautiful grandbabies and/or produce meaningful achievements of their own. That would truly be enough for me.
As far as spiritual enlightenment I feel that’s taken a backseat right now, but I would like to focus on that in a more mindful way and bring more meaning into every moment of my life through finding the flow within it. I know I need to let go of all this doubt, fear, worry, angst, anger, and desperation. I need to focus on nothing but what stands before me at any given moment and be centered, calm and present for my life. These are tall asks in a world that seems to try to keep one always on edge.
And (huge sigh) my infamous, glorious, majestic love……
no idea. None at all. No foresight. No premonitions. Your guess is probably better than mine. I’ve accepted that it may never come to be. I’ve also accepted that I won’t and don’t need to settle for less than all I’ve ever dreamed. Maybe it’s not meant for this lifetime. It’s fine. It truly is fine.
What will be will be.
Hope you’re enjoying your day. I have always liked Tuesdays.