Reconcile

So I take CBD for pain. For me personally it has to be with an active amount of THC and not derived from hemp to work. This isn’t to say hemp CBD doesn’t have anti-inflammatory properties and work, just that I want and need something much stronger. And when I am stressed out and need to reconcile my mind, my heart, my emotions…. then I take a dose of THC.

I personally like RSO. I like a brand that’s pesticide free because it’s a very strong concentrate and I don’t need more chemicals in my body.

Last night I took a dose of THC. The side effect for me personally is usually a tiny bit of insomnia. Which is why THC is not something I can or want to do nightly, because I really like to sleep and I seem to have very little time for that as it is right now.

I was ruminating about the last few days and I saw some behavior I didn’t like from myself. Learning moments now, and one thing I’m having a hard time forgiving myself for. I am so very hard on myself, even when they are just mistakes. Even when at the moment I really was just doing my best. Even when I falter myself, but especially when I falter others it can bother me for months on end.

I try to cut myself some slack. I’m a human making human mistakes, I know I’ll never be perfect or not cause some harm in my life. I know that everyone is someone’s devil. I just don’t ever want it to be me and yet sometimes it seems to be so.

When I was younger, anger and hopelessness got me into a lot of trouble: drinking and other risky behavior. As I’ve gotten older it’s been replaced by ego and fear as the main culprits for my own troubling behavior and choices. Those seem to be the driving forces that propel me to do things I can’t really be proud of.

Well….. I can’t let mistakes derail me and sink me into depression. That does absolutely no one any good. I’ll have to find a way to forgive myself for what I have done and what I will do. This life is full of imperfect moments. I want to find comfort in that. I want to find acceptance.

Like I told a client the other day. As children and teenagers we are such dumbasses, because to some great extent, especially with our bodies we tend to think we are invincible and indestructible. And as we get older we only become a little less of a dumbass, but hopefully enough to figure out how to not kill ourselves (or others) with the choices we make.

I don’t know. Always a few steps forward to a few steps back. I’ve got to figure out how to get rid of the fear and the ego completely. They are my main stumbling blocks.

But I don’t have time to process this any further right now. 8 more days of these 12+ hour work shifts. We’ll getting there. 🥵😉💋

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

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