I’ve been thinking of two serious issues/problems in my life. Ones I think I have some control over, at least. And I’m wondering if I’m looking at things wrong.

It started when I cleared off my manifestation board and then staring at the blank canvas wondering how to put into images and words the things I crave deeply within my soul.

There are, of course, the standard fare; health, financial stability, true friends/community. But I am really trying to be as precise as I can here, to clarify it for myself as well.

For my love life I want someone who loves me so much that it isn’t a tit for tat situation. There isn’t a working too hard to make me happy and appease me circumstance. It’s more of a I am loved, valued, understood and appreciated so much and the person wants my happiness so deeply they happily, gratefully, enjoy doing the things that make me feel adored, treasured and deeply cared for.

A person that nurtures me in the healthy and positive ways that I need so I can be the best me possible. That propels me to be more than I could ever dream with their love, support and deep believing and trust.

So I’m wondering if I need to be this person for myself first. I’m wondering if I am or ever will be in a place where I can attract this to myself, fully accept it into my life and then also nourish it. A love the likes of which I’ve never had….. so it makes it all very hard to say.

Then too…..

Spiritually, this whole good vs evil thing has me spinning a bit right now. I’m having a shift of thought, but I can’t quite grasp it all yet. I know when I spent those few days in Nirvana it was never once about good or bad. It was about living fearlessly, with a complete open mind and yielding heart; with no forethought or regret, no worry or apprehension. It was a joy at every single moment that came before me with a deep acceptance and gratitude for whatever presented itself and it was a flowing with life that is incomprehensible to understand unless you’ve felt it for yourself.

This is all difficult to write and explain because they are things beyond words. But to get to that place I need to step beyond the forces at play here. I need to go beyond looking at them as demon vs angel, good vs bad, heaven vs hell.

Because too when I think of all the things that have been negative in my life they also led me to be who I am; some came with lessons I needed to learn, some understanding I needed to achieve. That this had to come with msny hard knocks is something I need to come to terms with, accept and find peace within myself and forgiveness for, of course. So, that’s on me. But going forward, life needn’t be looked at that way. I needn’t think in those terms, good/bad; really simply “is” and what I choose to do with that is the most paramount thing.

The yin and yang of it all will continue to swirl around me, but I needn’t take up the fight. It’s not my battle. My war is the one raging within my own inner landscape; finding my own bliss in this chaos, ecstasy and horror, conquering my own inner turmoil and walking my own path, wherever that leads me. Accepting it all as part of the intricate dance that is living this life and connecting to my soul and the soul of everything and everyone as much as I absolutely can.

But how to turn that off?; the fear, the combat nature of this planet, the duality of ego vs soul. This I am seeing takes a courage I can only seem to find in the small, quiet depths of my being; one that is so easy to squelch, disregard and forget about. But it’s this delicate nuance that holds the key and I’m willing to bet it all on that.

May we all rise to our own challenges in life. πŸ™πŸ½πŸ’‹


Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

2 thoughts on “Percolating”

  1. You can try be that person for yourself first. I don’t know that you aren’t. A cup that is whole can be filled.
    Food lick figuring it out. Our best understanding isn’t usually from conscious thought. It’s not really good vs bad though.
    Life’s a journey…
    You are worth goodness, light and peace. You are worthy. You are deserving.
    Love, light, and glitter

    Liked by 1 person

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