I didn’t gamble. Well. Technically I actually did. Brad gave me $60 at the bar and I won $200. Gave him back his money and kept the profit. But I drank alcohol; one cider and two glasses of wine. I actually feel fine. My liver seems fine. I’m not hungover and I was definitely a bit drunk for a hot minute until I got some food in me and passed out at about midnight.
This just isn’t how I want my life to be. But I’m being hard on myself. Which also isn’t helping.
In my head I have visions of being loved and supported by a cast of humans that are grounded and nurturing. That when I am hurting or needing of help center me in a way that is beneficial to my heart, body and soul; meditation, nature, wholesome food, loving touch, etc. etc.
I had a dream last night that my ex was a chiropractor and we had a clinic together in our house. We had several colleagues working in our practice and we focused on holistic healing. We actually used organic fruits to massage people’s pain and body issues away. The charge of the fruit absorbed negative energy and replaced it with a positive flow.
In another scene we were helping this couple pro bono with a terminal illness he had. But they were frustrated it wasn’t going as quickly or well as they had hoped. So the wife took a gun and killed him inside the clinic and then stepped outside and killed herself. She did it, in her mind, as an act of love. It was sad for everyone.
I woke up with these images still swirling in my head.
I had to drink last night.
It’s a way for me to better stomach what else I did. Which I won’t discuss now; nothing illegal, immoral or dangerous. Just something I’ve been told isn’t in my best interest. But no one is living my life but me and sometimes I need to decide what is and isn’t in my best interest and…..
sometimes that means a few steps back, purposefully. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to anyone else. But here we are. Welcome to my life.