2 Steps Back

I didn’t gamble. Well. Technically I actually did. Brad gave me $60 at the bar and I won $200. Gave him back his money and kept the profit. But I drank alcohol; one cider and two glasses of wine. I actually feel fine. My liver seems fine. I’m not hungover and I was definitely a bit drunk for a hot minute until I got some food in me and passed out at about midnight.

This just isn’t how I want my life to be. But I’m being hard on myself. Which also isn’t helping.

In my head I have visions of being loved and supported by a cast of humans that are grounded and nurturing. That when I am hurting or needing of help center me in a way that is beneficial to my heart, body and soul; meditation, nature, wholesome food, loving touch, etc. etc.

I had a dream last night that my ex was a chiropractor and we had a clinic together in our house. We had several colleagues working in our practice and we focused on holistic healing. We actually used organic fruits to massage people’s pain and body issues away. The charge of the fruit absorbed negative energy and replaced it with a positive flow.

In another scene we were helping this couple pro bono with a terminal illness he had. But they were frustrated it wasn’t going as quickly or well as they had hoped. So the wife took a gun and killed him inside the clinic and then stepped outside and killed herself. She did it, in her mind, as an act of love. It was sad for everyone.

I woke up with these images still swirling in my head.

I had to drink last night.

It’s a way for me to better stomach what else I did. Which I won’t discuss now; nothing illegal, immoral or dangerous. Just something I’ve been told isn’t in my best interest. But no one is living my life but me and sometimes I need to decide what is and isn’t in my best interest and…..

sometimes that means a few steps back, purposefully. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to anyone else. But here we are. Welcome to my life.


Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

25 thoughts on “2 Steps Back”

      1. A lot of your posts recently couldn’t be commented on. I know I said. After that too.
        Anonymous groups can be a support. Just knowing, really knowing, that you are not alone and that others are living, have lived, through similar. I really believe that one day you’ll live the life you deserve.
        Love, light, and glitter
        🐬🐬🐬🐬🐬🐬🐬 (they’re – dolphins – my mascots. Protection if you will.)

        Liked by 1 person

          1. Are you trying to make me jealous? I want to see them in real, I just know they can’t live up to my expectations.
            I hope you do join. I know I’m right. I know the change hasn’t been easy. Climbing mountains never are. You’re stronger than you were, and as you keep learning you keep getting stronger in other ways. You can never know how awesome it can one day be. Though it’s not about the one day but today. You are so worth it and deserve all the goodness life can offer.
            Love, light, and glitter

            Liked by 1 person

          2. Don’t make me cry……
            Thank you. I hope you’re right, but it is worth the effort to keep trying, keep learning, keep living with the dream of it becoming reality. And just doing my best to be happy day by day, moment by moment, no matter what comes at me.


          3. It’s a nice feeling, even if it’s not something I particularly like to do unscheduled. Lol. But it is part of the range of emotions. Part of living in this world. It amazes me and I will never understand why we take that away from people, especially men. It’s illogical and cruel IMO

            And I’m glad you weren’t aiming for that outcome. That would be weird, no? I think the only time I’ve ever tried to make someone cry was through BDSM. Te he he. πŸ€€πŸ˜†πŸ€­

            Liked by 1 person

          4. Depends what made you cry whether it’d be aimed for. I know when someone is really nice to me it could make me cry. Online. In real I rarely cry. One day it’ll be safe enough to.
            I hope the weekend gives you a break…
            What role would you choose in BDSM?
            Love, light, and glitter

            Liked by 1 person

          5. I love ALL roles. The thing that sets my soul on fire is domination, but I also enjoy the freedom of submission. I want to try being a little. I think that sound so fun. You?


          6. I’ve never played. I don’t really know what it’d be like if I did play. Funny, I was thinking about it earlier before I saw this. There are some parts I like the idea of in submission/little and a lot I don’t. I wonder what would be if I played. I have no way of knowing until then…
            One of the things I was thinking about earlier is that women are treated to want someone to look after and protect them. I was thinking how all different things, are all defined and labelled, and how really we all will like aspects of everything in different settings and it doesn’t have to define us at all. That the reading and labels can be useful for understanding and after that it limits. Rambling….. and I feel like I ramble too much.
            Love, light, and glitter your

            Liked by 1 person

          7. Rambling is fun. Leads to interesting places. Don’t sensor yourself needlessly. I agree. Labels are really only helpful to some small degree and then they are stifling and unnecessary.

            And yes. Something’s you don’t know if you like or what you like or don’t like about it until you try it. That seems worth a try. πŸ˜‰

            Liked by 1 person

  1. And as far as dating losers. At this point I just don’t trust myself yet. And I have too much going on in my life to reevaluate where I am vs where I want to be, see where I am faltering and fix it.

    I want to get into the incest anonymous group. I’m thinking that will help tremendously. Seeing how others have pulled themselves out of this pit. It isn’t just a self esteem issue. It’s a deep ingrained psyche issue. I wish I had a simple solution. I wish it was an easier rode. But reality is reality. I’m dealing with my heavy load the best I can right now.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You exasperate me at times. I know you are charming, intelligent, good looking, elegant, articulate, and hot. Why date and sleep with loser jerks? You’re better than that. I care, so I will always be honest.


    Liked by 2 people

        1. I am intertwined with this person, better or worse, for the rest of my life. And I don’t know how to beat someone at a game I don’t know how to play. This is me doing the best I can right now. I have almost zero support system. I have so many responsibilities and personal hardship, financial difficulties. I’m doing this with as much grace as I can muster.


    1. I wish it were that simple. I have a good amount of self control. It’s about something outside of my control. Something that puts me in a situation I don’t want to be in but have no real choice given the parameters of my life.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I can’t see another way. Either my vision is clouded or I’m just not resourceful enough. But the people that know my situation seem to understand and support me even though they also wish this wasn’t the case and my choices were not so complicated.

      Liked by 1 person

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