I’ve been this way since I can remember. I would sit and wait for my mother to get home late from studying for her master’s degree. I knew I should have been in bed but I couldn’t sleep until she was home. I would stay by the window and watch the cars drive by hoping each one was her, but scared she would see me still up and be angry.
All the while thinking:
“What if something happened to her? What if she got in an accident? What if she’s dead?” And I would actually make myself so upset with these thoughts in my head that I would cry myself to sleep in bed. I never told her or anyone this. This is actually the first time I’ve thought about it in decades.
But being morbid to me has its benefits, so I try to use it to my advantage. Like today driving in traffic, which is distressing and stressful to me normally, I asked myself:
“When am I going to die? What if that time was right this moment? Do I want to go out in a ball of stress? Do I want to go out angry? Or can I let all this tension and anger go and just be relaxed and at peace with this all? Can I let myself be peaceful and happy right now?”
And it changed the script completely. Mind you I was still running late and driving a bit like mad Max, but not getting all that upset about it. I tend to try to think of life in terms of death a lot because it keeps things in perspective for me.
Another thing I do is remind myself of the times in life I’ve completely broken down and lost it. The time I ended up in the hospital on a suicide attempt. The times I cried for hours in the shower, didn’t eat for two weeks, or just couldn’t get out of bed. These were all times I didn’t slow down enough to see I was reaching a breaking point. Times I wasn’t nurturing myself enough and got completely blindsided by the difficulties life bitch slapped me with.
I use these references to remind myself it’s ok to take time for me. That I need to take good care of myself. That I am allowed my own love, devotion and nurturing, even if no one else is around, available or wanting to give it to me. I can do that for myself and if people don’t understand; If that doesn’t seem appropriate to anyone else; including my children… well honestly… that’s their problem. Hopefully one day they do understand and appreciate that I am being an example of what self-care can possibly look like. At least my own version; because everyone needs whatever version satisfies their own soul.
That said…. I had a night of touch, sex, laughter and pleasure and am feeling so recharged and happy today. I also started my period* which explains why I didn’t answer my phone yesterday; which is completely unlike me. But I was done dealing with people. Now I see why. Lol. Live and learn. 46 years and I’m still learning about life and myself. It’s been a wild ride, but I’ve got my seat belt on.
*I track it. You’d thing I’d remember a thing that comes every single month, yet it always seems to catch me off guard. Like “oh yea, that thing again”. Wishful thinking maybe on my part that it will just be gone one day, with no signs or adjustments at all. Just like poof, all done. Easy peasy. Can’t even remember anymore. Lol. Guess we’ll see about that one.