Thank you disillusionment

Alanis Morissette was right when she wrote and sang this song.

Tonight I decided to stretch a bit in bed before laying down and I prayed as I did so.

And I thanked evil. Which I’ve never done before. It seems a strange stance because I like to stay as far away from that energy as I can, but I did and it felt like the right thing to do.

Why? It’s confusing. But one reason is that I believe that the Buddhist had a point in explaining that the duality was one, simply divided and one existed because of the other. And because I believe something greater than the two exists (although that is still a bit murky as to what exactly)…. but because I am so absolutely sure then it substantiates a purpose to me, beyond that which they play at.

Beyond good and evil; the corruption and redemption of our souls.


But then also isn’t it sometimes that through the pain, through the disillusionment, through the heartache, if we can get out of the way of anger and fear we can maybe see a lesson. One that possibly can begin to kill the ego.

It’s just that I’m so personally sick of lessons, even though I just had one tonight. I wish they all come so easily. While stretching. While sleeping. While praying. While just being. I don’t want hard lessons anymore. Can’t my ego be reigned in any other way maybe? Lol

I mean yes. This doesn’t negate the thank you. The lessons I’ve learned. A lot of them have been for my own betterment. Although some I have not understood completely and have hurt me greatly.


I firmly believe it isn’t my place to question the trajectory completely, especially since I don’t have full control. And now, at this point in my life I really just want to give it all to the power outside of those two forces, especially because I’m so tired of all this burden.


But also….. is there any real way to know why things happen as they do? Is there ever a way to fully comprehend and come to terms with it without some simple and not so simple blind faith. Believing that there is a reason. There is a reason.

I, personally, have to believe it or nothing would make sense and truthfully way too much has made sense and been proven to me time and time again and I would be foolish to think otherwise. Like that would absolutely not even be logical at all. πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ€£πŸ’‹

But I can’t understand it either sometimes. Why we let each other suffer as we do.

Except, I really feel I have to help myself and my family before I can completely give myself over to helping others. No? And when do I have time for that in this race that does at times see more fit for rats. Lol


(Written last week)

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

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