I’m not worried really. I mean whatever happens in life, good or bad, I feel I should first accept it completely, as it is, before I decide what (if anything) to do about it. I guess, as much as possible I like to skip all the stages of grief and just go straight to acceptance. Not that I’m grieving anything right now.
I’ve just gotten a bit more potentially distressing news. My pap smear came back abnormal. I’ve gone through this before. I’ve had a leep. They took precancerous cells off my cervix once already. Which is why I’m so lucky to have to get a yearly pelvic exam instead of the now standard every two years🙄. I think because it had been so long since this happened and I was trying to sort out my medical care I wasn’t religious about this last year’s exam.
Not really my fault entirely, the naturopath I like went on maternity leave and they gave me a regular MD, who I tried out but we just didn’t click. So I procrastinated getting work done until I could figure out what I wanted to do and in that time she came back; albeit to a farther clinic. And now this.
It’s fine. Not gonna stress it. Just gonna go get the biopsy and take it from there. Could be absolutely nothing. Just curious I’m dealing with this same potential issue in two parts of my body at the same time.
Maybe not coincidentally, my grandmother was on my mind all day yesterday. To the point I teared up and cried a bit. I adored her so much and when she left the world she took a big part of me and the strongest support I had. And while I still have access to her love on some level it isn’t anywhere near the same; of course.
She died of cancer. They opened her up to take out her gallbladder (if I remember correctly) and found cancer on most of her organs. She started chemo and was gone less than a year later. She had initially asked me if I thought chemo was a good idea. She didn’t seem to want to do it. I told her not to. But everyone else told her to, including her doctors and we all watched her deteriorate very quickly with each dose to the point she was completely comatose months before finally passing.
But….. I’m really glad I am doing this H2O2 protocol and trying to eat vegan/organic right now (minus the last two days). It makes me feel like I’m doing something positive for myself and not just sitting around waiting for some medical test results that may or may not give me news I want to hear.
I feel very relaxed about the whole thing really. It feels much like the fog outside right now. It’s there and it’s shading everything very softly but it isn’t bothering me or impairing me at all. It’s just there hovering gently all around, not to be ignored but also not invasive.
I have actually had this news since last week. It may explain the last few days better maybe. I wasn’t sure I was going to share on here. I haven’t and don’t plan on mentioning it to the girls. But this is my online diary and I feel not just accountable to it but that one day I will look back on this and I want it to be an accurate representation of what I was going through. What I am going through.
So I don’t share to garner sympathy or compassion or anything at all really. I just share because that is what this blog is. It is a sharing of myself with the world in the only way I know how; in honesty….. and of the only thing I have to share really; myself.
It makes me happy. It is an outlet for the things I love to do the most; write and contemplate life. It is my treasure. It may be valueless in the currency of the world, but to me it is absolutely priceless and that’s enough. You know?