So we are put here on this Earth with no definitive explanation as to why. We have no personalized guidebook. We have no absolute, universal instructions. We have no idea what or where the goalpost is, when the end will be, what the settings will be, who the players all are, or any of the other nuances of this adventure. We are the blind leading the blind it feels like most often. Which I don’t necessarily see as a bad thing. But anyways……
I personally think….. that what matters in this life isn’t our physical attributes, environment, money, education, power, privilege, status, ethnicity, gender, happiness, health, cleverness, drive, disposition, family, friends, frame of mind, or even really our virtues. I think ultimately, the only thing that matters when it’s all said and done are our own individual choices.
Now, people sometimes like to think they don’t have a choice in most matters, or there only have bad choices to pick from, or they did what they could to justify some pretty horrible things. Sometimes that may actually be a tiny bit valid but most of the time, if you look really closely, it actually isn’t.
Now there is such a thing as almost perfect vision in hindsight. There is not knowing all the variables when you are making your decision. There is a “worth the risk” factor of trying to elude consequences, which again…. all seem justifiable but ultimately really, never truly are.
Now… none of this is me trying to say I make the best choices always. In fact, I make plenty of bad ones. And like most people sometimes I make bad choices knowing they are bad choices, but I don’t find myself all that surprised when the repercussions come to collect payment. I just stomach it without complaint, which seems a lost art in this world. 🤨😝🤣
I know that when, at the end, I am finally judged by the rightful authority to do so, it will be for my choices alone and nothing more. None of the justifications that I appease myself with now will matter one droplet. But that’s something that is hard to live for. Which might be why karma isn’t just left for the final tally.
Truthfully, I have so many unanswered and probably unanswerable questions in this life. But I’m not trying to lead a calvary here. I’m just trying to navigate myself and my soul to a place I can live with, not just at the end but now too.
was a day of maybe not great choices. Some without consequences, some with. For starters, my youngest wanted to go get Valentine’s cards and I made a mad dash between clients to take her. This resulted in me going 11 miles over the 25 speed limit on a street with almost no houses directly on it and none in the space where I was stopped. I was still fortunate to be cited a warning alone.
I didn’t lie when asked why I was traveling so fast. And I would have taken the ticket, because contrary to what I have seen people do, I never try to get out of it. I have gone to court to contest them before but I had more time then. Lol
Then I decided I wanted to eat something besides fruit and veggies. I had a light breakfast of eggs. That sat well but I noticed my knee was bothering me more and I felt a little sluggish. Then I ate out for dinner and indulged with beef fajitas. So delicious but that caused severe chaos in my digestion.
After eating so clean for those five days my body didn’t appreciate this at all. 🙄 Oh well. I think I’ll stick back to the diet for a bit since I was feeling so good with it and then decide what I want and need to do going forward.
But…… the cherry on top.
I called Brad. He was the one who took me to dinner and then to his house. I don’t know what made me think I would be getting any sleep there. He fucked me silly. Even woke me up in the middle of the night. Then because of his insomnia he was puttering about all night long. It was worth it. But I am a bit tired today, plus having eaten how I did yesterday doesn’t help. Fortunately, I’ll reset my digestion pretty quickly here.
Brad was so cute though. He held me almost all night long in a tight grip, like a teddy bear and kept telling me over and over how much he loved me. It was endearing. I did thankfully convince him to go on the Oregon Health Plan. It isn’t prudent to not have health insurance in this country. You could literally go bankrupt and lose everything should something dire happen to you. Some homeless people end up there with that very situation, unfortunately.
God, I really needed to be touched and loved on. I feel so much better emotionally. I can’t even truthfully explain in words the relief it gives me, more than the orgasm itself. Although, let’s be clear…. that’s always very, VERY nice too.
Overall I’m doing well. Going into the busiest week I’ve ever had in my life work wise. I really hope I’m up for this challenge. I feel I am. I choose to believe I can do this and do it healthily. We shall see if that becomes reality. I do need to take as much time as I can between clients and when possible to nurture and take care of myself and my poor children will hopefully understand my absence.
It’s a short term situation. I don’t think this influx of clients will last beyond this month.
May the choices I make be beneficial to me and the ones I love. May they not induce harm on anything or anyone. May I be able to find peace in my heart and satisfaction in my soul from it. Always and forever.
And I wish the same for you…… wherever life finds you.
Make the choices count, or not, but be conscious of it either way. Right?
Yes. I think so. That seems the way to be. No blinders. No rationalizations. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
With the help of God because I don’t know about you, but I’ll take all the help I can get from Divinity. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽