I realized last night that I honestly don’t know what a healthy relationship looks or feels like. But I am thinking that maybe I don’t really need to know. Maybe all I need to figure out is a way to have a relationship that nurtures and supports me emotionally, satisfies me sexually, stimulates or at least doesn’t bore me to tears mentally and also, most important of all…. is in no way shape or form harmful to me or those I love.
The thing is…..I’ve never been attracted to that. I attract and am attracted to (maybe not so much drama anymore as) a level of enmeshment and possessiveness that only people in incestuous or overly and unhealthily enmeshed families comprehend. Where the “healthy” boundaries between people become erased, but if you’ve never had this I’m not sure this is understandable.
When I look back at every single relationship I’ve ever had (including friendships) they all had some kind of broken family situation. Most times it was an overly possessive mother, alcoholism/drug abuse, or indeed incest or heavy over-enmeshment of some sort, especially with strong sexual overtones. But there has always been this underlying darkness, sense of wrongdoing or unhealthiness there.
That’s what draws me in….the familiarity of that feeling and it’s something that I can sense across a room. It’s something I don’t need any words to subconsciously access about someone and be drawn to. So how do I change this and more importantly do I need to?
I was talking to a client. She had been a single mom for 10 years after her divorce from a very bad and abusive marriage before she found her very loving and caring fiance. She said he was worth the wait but 10 years seems a long time to me.
I absolutely can’t go that long without touch and intimacy. I can’t. Maybe that’s my own issues. Maybe I need to look at that, but I know my needs and for me to be happy in my everyday life I need an outlet for my sexual energy. Period. Doesn’t need justification. I am a sexual being and I relish that part of myself deeply.
What to do? What to do? Can I be attracted to “normal”? Do I want “normal”? What even is “normal”?
So many winding roads…..
Relationship wise: I don’t want to be accountable to anyone. I just want to do what I want to do when I want to do it with no expectations from anyone. That’s it. Because I don’t need any added stress in my life.
So I will do EXACTLY as I please right now. And as far as my own accountability to myself….well….here’s what I have to say to myself.
Do what you want and need to do. You know yourself well enough, follow your gut. I trust that you “know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away, and know when to run.”
So girl, go get what you want.💋
Let’s see how this plays out.