I’ve been remembering small episodes from the past a lot lately.
Today I remembered a few years back when I went to TJ to get my teeth fixed. I was near the dental office very early that morning. I had just finished breakfast and was walking towards the office down a small alleyway when I locked eyes with a woman headed my direction. I could tell from her demeanor that she had had a hard life thus far and that she also had not so great intentions towards me.
I held her gaze, not glancing away once and kept walking straight towards her. I had no intention of being a victim that morning. So I just held firm and kept eye contact, when she abruptly turned around and walked away. I wonder what could have happened had I not been paying attention to my surroundings that morning.
I have been struggling with something today.
If someone was sexually abused, but say they found a way to enjoy certain aspects of it and developed their sexual identity around said abuse…is it ok to go there? Can it create more issues? I think back to how Brad retriggered me and how much I enjoyed it but also how badly it affected me psychologically because I was and still am very conflicted about it all.
Can consenting adults really play these triggering games and not have it spill out into other areas, not affect the psyche, not cause distress? I feel I can only truly answer this for myself, and I feel the answer for me is probably not. And if it isn’t ok for me, is it ok to help fuel someone else’s sexual trauma? Even if they seem perfectly fine with it and desire it to be so.
Can I, personally, ever reach a point where I can go there and it not be a slippery slope towards more extreme deviancy? Or can I just turn my back on it completely, even though it does give me so much pleasure?
I know I could just go vanilla and fantasize about these things secretly without materializing them in any fashion; be it porn or with partners. But is that necessary? IDK
I’m seriously thinking of going to incest anonymous meetings, to be able to discuss this with people who truly know and understand the depths of this.
Abstinence is definitely not plausible or desired. But maybe I need to look at some purely vanilla guys when I start dating. Boring as that may be. Lol