We all have many restrictions put on us; societal, familial, work, financial, legal, religious, on and on and on this list is never ending. Let alone the restrictions we impose on ourselves.
In one regard I am lucky to not have any close friends or family nearby. I’m lucky to not be married or coupled. I’m lucky to be so introverted and anti-social….
in as much as I can start wearing purple bustiers with rainbow hair, red cat shaped contact lenses while carrying a clipboard around where I write down funny things people say and speak to people only in simple Dr. Seuss rhymes from now on and not many would care. I’d get some looks, but no one to really question me too much beyond the mild embarrassment of my kids probably.
But I have my own internal mother; and she can be one harsh bitch. She is demanding and exacting. She doesn’t let things slide. She has these extraordinarily high expectations. But she’s also very loving, compassionate and kind. Good thing I know her so well that she nags at me pretty infrequently. Like today she reminded me to call Amazon and have them charge me for an item I thought they lost and they refunded me on, but I later found.
I’ll get to it already…. jeez. I’ve already called twice to try to resolve this. Not at the top of the list today is all. Lol 🙄
I’ve been missing Brad a lot. Probably also because he was my only friend really IRL. But I’m also worried about him. His insurance runs out this month. He was trying to get surgery scheduled before it ran out. He was trying to sort out his pain medication and getting a lot of push back from the doctors not wanting to give him narcotics. These are battles I took on with him, but they aren’t mine anymore. He isn’t mine anymore.
He can get very depressed and had a bit of a high suicidal ideation at times; especially when he was in a lot of pain. But this is also not my battle anymore. I should, theoretically, be happy to be done with all that additional stress. Right? Like I don’t have enough to contend with in life, but it just makes me sad. And we aren’t at a point we can be friends right now. I don’t know that we ever will be really.
I am a bit possessive about people and I am not at a point where I can and want to think of him with anyone else, let alone hear about it. So….
It’s fine. I am allowed to be sad about this. I am allowed to miss him. I’m allowed the full range of human emotions.
So often in life we seem to be told not to feel certain things, not to be a certain way, not to be ourselves really and I revolt against that very strongly. The caveat is that one person’s beingness shouldn’t hurt someone else’s being.
But I get that this is a complex issue with lots of nuance and then too, everyone has their own opinion on what constitutes hurting others and what doesn’t.
Overall I really just wish the world was set up to nurture people’s body’s and souls; instead of this catastrophe we have going on here now. But I can only truly prove that battle is worth fighting by winning it for myself first. Right?
I am a strange feminist I feel because I am so obsessed with men in general; not to mention sex with them. I truly adore men but I also don’t put up with much of their shit. Lol. It’s a strange mix. I’ll tell ya.
I wish men could and would embrace their female side more, just as women seem to be embracing their masculine side more and more. But I get that society isn’t quite there and there is a lot of pushback on it. To a lot of people men must still be “men”; whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean.
So I’m listening to this song and it seems to exclude men, but in my mind it doesn’t. It simply embraces the softness of female love and helps women remember to embrace each other on this tough journey instead of tear each other down. It’s a good lesson for everyone to learn really. No?