I am disappointed in myself. Last night was bad.
I have a few choices here; wallow, self loath, chastise, forget about it, justify and excuse it, or rise up.
I have experience with all of these and I can say with absolute certainty which single one is the right choice. It is after all a choice. It always comes down to a choice.
Who am I? Who do I choose to be? When things are hard, when I fail myself and others, what is my course of action afterwards? Because it is inevitable that I will fail someone, probably most especially myself…. many more times in this life.
Also then too, with all this struggling with wanting to reach out to Brad too. I’m scared. Truly, legitimately scared to see who I am attracted to next; to see who I gravitate towards. Part of me wants to run back to the comfort and security of his arms. It took a massive amount of self talk last night to not just show up at his house. It really helped that he lives an hour away. Lol
My final thought on that this morning is “what do I deserve?”. If I settle for shitty friends and a lover that can’t give me what I need, then I’m telling the universe, and more importantly myself, that this is what I think I deserve.
I need to show up for myself. I need to be my own cheerleader. I need to be my strongest and biggest advocate and rise up for myself each and every day, each and every moment of that day.
And if I stand alone, so be it. I’d rather stand alone than be surrounded by people that don’t truly love and appreciate me for who I am. For people that don’t show me respect and treat my happiness as a source of their own happiness. And how do I demonstrate that this is what I deserve? Well….. by giving it to myself first.
And so….. yes…. I goofed. I let myself down. I screwed up. But the choice is…..
Do I strive to be the best me I can be? Do I just let it all go to hell? Or do I simply settle for something easy and comfortable in between these extremes? I have a choice. Here is where true strength comes in. And here is where I am so thankful for faith. Because me, singularly, alone in this world, am but a fallible and frail human specimen.
But I can draw from divinity. I can tap in to that which is so much more than this simple human shell.
I definitely don’t have any real definitive, go to, step by step answers here. But I know now more than ever that I want to be A Simple (Wo)man.
I need and want to be satisfied. Our natural human tendency is to always want more and better and to strive for it constantly; often with great dissatisfaction. And honestly, I’m tired of that. I’m tired of comparing myself to anyone but the best version of me at any given time. That’s the only comparison I need in the world and it’s one only I can truly evaluate.
Today is a new day. The possibilities are endless. I’m going to choose me. I’m going to rise up for myself; here and now. Will I fail myself again? Yes, inevitably. Will I rise again? That’s up to me.
But right now I feel very certain of one thing. This is the right path for my soul and……
I am deserving of my own love, my own forgiveness, my own compassion and my own devotion. I’m going to let this little light of mine shine. Because no one else can do that for me. And I deserve to be happy. I deserve to let myself be fully me. And it may be a battle in this world to do that sometimes, but 🤷🏽♀️. I got nothing better to do here really. Because that seems to truly be the most important thing I can think of to do and be here; me. A light in this dark world I hope, but I can and need to do this for myself. And it is just an additional blessing if anyone else can see and feel that.
But…… I have to get there. I know the destination; to be completely secure and content within myself. The path, though, will have to reveal itself as I go; moment by moment. This feels like the beginning, but I have been here the whole time and just never really gave it my full attention. I let myself get carried away with things that didn’t matter; with distractions and amusements, with things that took me further away from the path I truly wanted to be on. It will happen again, I’m sure.
It’s strange to feel so at peace on the heels of a really hard and painful day. But such seems to be life; at least my life. It’s a matter of just making the best choice possible for myself, at any given moment, without stress or pressure to be more than I am, more than who I need to be. To do things with love for myself first and foremost.
It’s a bold move this new stance. But….
Here goes. 💋