Life has been walloping me a bit since New Year’s. I hoped this year would be great and full of new possibilities and instead…. well….. it hasn’t been.
I really am starting to feel like I can’t keep running at this pace and it’s about to get crazier because I’m picking up a day a week with Jill again (my colleague).
Everyone tells me to not lose the house. I get that. Statistically that is the biggest asset a person generally owns. It is what provides stability and can set up wealth for future generations. Plus it is the only asset I have, I’ve invested all my money into it and if I lose it I have no where to live, which is an important need and creates a dire situation.
The mediation lawyer called me today and had absolutely no good news… and this is the person on my side. From where she stands, from her experience they won’t lower the mortgage enough to make a real difference if they even approve it.
Honesty isn’t always pretty.
I’ve crunched the numbers every which way I can and I can’t swing it by myself at the rate it is. Even with two part time jobs on top of my businesses. Even with my colonic business growing I just can’t consistently do it yet.
But I’ll keep pressing on.
Eyes on the prize…… I guess. ——-
Some people call the city I live in “white linn”. I don’t usually pay it any mind. That most everyone here is white and anyone of any other nationality really stands out never bothers me. But when people are rude it does cross my mind why. Today a man saw me coming in the store behind him and didn’t bother holding the door. It literally closed in my face. For some reason that really just irritated me. Still does I guess or I wouldn’t still be thinking about it. Maybe if I could say that he seen me I could brush it off. But it’s almost like he was doing it on purpose. Like he enjoyed it.
I have been wondering how it would be if we left Oregon. But wherever we go the ex would follow, so…. I’ll never really be free.
With the situation the way it stands I really feel like I can’t make friends. I feel like I can’t confide in people. I feel like no one really understands and I feel so very alone sometimes. It doesn’t help that Brad is out of the picture too.
The benefit of moving somewhere new would be that no one would know anything more than whatever I choose to tell them. I could wipe it all clean, but it wouldn’t stay that way because again….. I can’t seem to escape certain things in life. And I also don’t know how to lie or even keep things to myself… as you can see. 🙄
And even if I could get rid of my penchant for picking pedophiles. Even if I could get rid of my desires for “naughty fun”, like drinking and gambling. Even if I could give up my insatiable desire for sex. Even if I could figure out how to have an easier life….. I can’t seem to be able to escape my own personal villains. Can I?
I can always tell when people are in something for the money or for the profit. Not that we all don’t have to survive and make a living but it’s a matter of doing things with heart or with avarice.
I met a woman at a networking event. She seemed sweet. She invited me to coffee. I told her my issues. I was brutally honest and she offered to help me for full price; $900 thereabouts. Ok. Fine. I declined and we never spoke again.
She has just invited me to an event she is having. It’s an empowerment thing. I’m really sick of this genre of events, geared towards women that are supposed to be uplifting. Even though it isn’t expensive I’m definitely not going. I applaud her enthusiasm and drive and business acumen but it’s not for me.
I know image sells. I know people love to glomp on to other people’s success stories. I know plenty of people pretend to have it all figured out and sell that image to others. But I can’t pretend my life is perfect and I have my shit together when I have this big huge cloud over my head. I just can’t.
I could still try to sell myself. I could pretend to be the face of success. I could purport to be the epitome of bliss and true happiness. But I can’t. I can only be me. The me that has some serious baggage. The me that has some big-time trauma. The me that has some nefarious characters lurking in my inner circle that I can’t get rid of, no matter how much I’d like to.
Why can’t it be easier? Why do I have such a heavy load to bare? It’s not about fair or unfair; it’s about stamina. I don’t know if I can keep going up this hill.
I’m babbling. I’m tired. I’m disheartened. I’m just not sure what to do. I asked God and the message I got was eBay. Which doesn’t seem quite right. I mean yes; It’s easy. I’m good at it. But I also kind of hate it. It’s consumerism. It’s materialism. It’s time consuming. I suppose I can suck it up and just do it, but ugghhhh. I really, just can’t do it all. If I pick eBay back up something has to fall by the side and I am conflicted about that.
Plus if I can’t find clients with high value items then I need to source things to sell for myself. Suppose I could start getting rid of crap I have laying around the house and garage. win/win.
From the sound of it this mediation meeting isn’t going to give me answers. Because I was delayed in providing all the paperwork what will probably happen is another mediation or they will just get back to me with their answer within 30 days or so. But I’ll wait until next Tuesday to see what they say and figure out how I will proceed.
I’m so tired. So damn tired. Just fucking exhausted.
And with no one to hold tight or hold me tight… makes me a tiny bit sad.
But no use dwelling on any of this.
None of it!!!! None at all.
C’est la vie. Life goes on or it doesn’t…..
Right now……. it’s the girls keeping me going. That’s it. No other motivation. I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone, not even myself. I just want to come through for them. God help me. Let me do something right in this life. Please!