I realize I am a bit angry right now. Not just at my circumstances, and the people that surround me, but also at myself. Anger is, after fear, my least favorite emotion. I try not to indulge it too often but right now I’m going to let it come and surround me and give me the energy to hopefully propel me towards change.
I can’t keep tripping over the same rocks in life. I’m sick of being surrounded by selfish people. That give with one hand and take with the other. For example:
I have a client. He came to me initially through a referral with a very aggressive degenerative disease. Telling me all his expenses and asking me for a discount. So I gave him one initially only to find out he is very, very well off. Then he tells me almost every session that he is going to get my name out, he’s going to get me tons of clients, etc. etc. How much he loves my services and how he is going to make all my business success dreams come true. He’s even told me he was going to tip me, after he asked if I took tips only to then said “oh I forgot cash” and never bring it up again.
It’s like he just loves dangling all this stuff over my head and expects me to play along like a kitten after a string.
I can name on less than the fingers of one hand how many clients I’ve had that I haven’t cared for. We are talking hundreds of people and yet this one is at the top of that very small list. His entitlement is so irritating and even more so because he thinks he’s so wonderful. He thinks he’s so humble and soul centered and nice and that probably irritates me more than anything else really. It’s not that he’s evil or mean to me.
If he would just stop with the bullshit he would be much more tolerable. I have plenty of rich clients. I have no issue with his money. But if you’re going to be a douchebag, own it. Just own it!! I really can’t respect him this way and it just grates on me.
So today I decided to tell him that I am no longer offering him the deeper discount. He will get the same discount everyone else gets and if he doesn’t like that he can go elsewhere. That he has booked me out every weekend all month is no concern of mine.
I prefer not to be disrespected so blatantly and stupidly. I really don’t understand who his antics work on? Is it because I don’t grovel and subjugate myself that he holds off giving me all the things he professes to want to give me and do for me? Whatever! Regardless, I don’t play games, especially not these type of games. I refuse to participate. He can find another pawn, I’m sure. But it isn’t me.
And so it is.
It is strangely stupid that I’m really mad at Brad too and I am feeling like he abandoned me. Technically, I broke up with him but he also forced my hand. He could not move forward. He didn’t really want to either. I guess it’s good that he finally copped to it. About a year and a half too late but fine. I’m still very angry and I’m frustrated that I even wanted to build a life with him. Because the truth is no matter I did. But oh well.
What’s next? Who’s next? I wonder that, but right now I want to be alone for a bit to sort things out for myself.
So much to think about. So much to do. So many issues to work on but I’ll keep pressing on…. taking the help I can get from the universe and mankind. However it comes. Being grateful no matter what…..no matter what!!! And not letting myself feel betrayed by the hands that take, the hearts that judge and the mouths that spew hatred. Us humans can be rather horrible to each other sometimes and to ourselves too, unfortunately. But that’s not where I will put my attention.
Thats not what I will focus on. Nope. I will focus on me and my kiddos and the future I want to see. It’s gotta start somewhere and it starts with a dream.