I’m feeling a bit lost right now. I suppose most people in my position would feel the same, if not worse maybe. I don’t feel defeated. I’m not feeling excessively sad. It’s more that sense when you’re caught between feelings and it’s all a bit much, and it’s all you can do to just keep your head up.
Two weeks. Two weeks until my mediation meeting and I am still trying to get my paperwork ready. Meanwhile I may need to dig up my front yard to get to a main drain issue. Yay! And add to that that I sold a huge lot of 200 glassware pieces for a client and I promised to ship it out this week, which will take me at least 6 hours to pack up. Did I say yay? Lol
On the plus side Jon (the plumber) is coming from 2 hours away to help me. He’ll charge me parts, labor, trip charge, maybe some pot, dinner and then he will give me a discount. Maybe an even bigger one if I throw in sex, which I’m not ruling out but will just depend on if I want to or not.
He does have a way to make me feel so very truly desired and he is so sweet to me. We come from different worlds and he is moving next month to Nevada anyway. So throwing him some won’t cause any issues. But he knows and I know it isn’t a forgone conclusion. Sometimes I do sleep with him and sometimes I don’t. I like to keep men on their toes. Lol. I’m single, he’s single. Sex feels good. I don’t see an issue.
But the crazy part is I scheduled a tour of the Scientology church in Portland next week. Two reasons 1) it will get my ass in gear to get everything done by then. 2) I’ve been sorely lacking in any kind of community and support system. I agree with a lot of what they say in concept. I’m not sure I agree with the methodology though. As far as how they separate you from main society. Well….. as long as that doesn’t include my kids I don’t see an issue.
My primary concern is that I don’t have money to give them and I’ve heard the materials and cost for each level are pretty high. We’ll see what happens. I’m not a drink the Koolaid type of person so I’m not too worried about it. What is the most funny thing to me would be that I have been approached several times by the church, going as far back as a teenager and just never gave it much thought. I even picked up his book once and it wasn’t a bad read but it didn’t speak to me at the time.
I realize you should not make major life choices when you’re in the middle of an huge event in your life. I’ve pretty much decided if I lose the house we are leaving Oregon. The teenager though not thrilled one bit about it will understand, I hope.
I was looking over my loan statement and in the almost 3 years I’ve owned the house it has changed mortgage companies 3 times. Not only that but I owe $20k more now than I did on the house a year ago when I was making payments. I owe as much now as the day I bought the house. I’m guessing penalties and such but that seems a drastic amount. It’s as if they wiped out any equity completely, so now the option of selling the house would probably cost me money instead of net me any.
Doesn’t make any sense at all. Being on the lower side of the income brackets is really a life sentence of stress and almost insurmountable hurdles.
I have done nothing wrong. I have a good heart. I haven’t done anything illegal. Yet I stand to lose everything I own in the world, everything I’ve worked so hard for. The stability I was trying so hard to build and maintain.
I realize these are merely material things, but we live in a material world and that much seems pretty inescapable. It’s fine I guess.
Right now I have so much to do I feel almost frozen with the stress of it all. But there is no choice but to press on. Like it or not this is the life I have before me. Nothing to do but deal with the reality of the here and now….one moment at a time.