I’m ok

That’s the number one lie we tell ourselves and others. Maybe because we want to believe it. Maybe because we don’t want people worrying about us. Maybe because we don’t want to complain. Maybe because we don’t feel anyone really wants to know. I’m sure there is a plethora of reasons.

But am I ok? Am I really ok?

I guess so; given the current parameters of my life. Could I be better? Absolutely. Could I would be worse? Yep. But am I ok? Well. My neighbors probably don’t think so. I made a spectacle of myself again. It was late though and no one cares.

It started when I walked into the bathroom to see there was no water in the toilet. You can guess what happened when I flushed. Cut to an hour of me plunging and augering the toilet and completely flooding the bathroom. I stopped to wipe the sweat from my eyes and noticed that the tub was backing up as well with fragments of toilet paper and other stuff 🀒.

I then put all my efforts into the tub figuring at least that won’t keep flooding the floor. I get about 20 feet of line into the drain and still nothing so I head to the store for Drano. On the way back I stop at the bar and have two ciders. When I get home as soon as I put the car into park the tears start streaming down my face. Soon I am wailing. Literally wailing in huge sobs and tears.

About half an hour into this mess my teenager comes to sit in the car with me. I tell her how I feel like a failure. How I try so hard to be a strong foundation for them. I want to give them the world, or at the very least stability and be a good role model for them and I feel like I’m cracking under the immense pressure of it all. I wish so much I could do more and be more for them. This me, trying as hard as I can, doing my best, just doesn’t seem to be cutting it. And I keep crying.

She gets me into the house. I’m so embarrassed. I should be the one comforting her and here she is having to babysit her mom.

But as soon as I get in I immediately get back to work on the drains and cleaning up the mess. I was thinking I got it all covered and was momentarily happy until I showered and the water started backing up again.

I then just went to bed and called it a day.

The teenager sent me this afterwards.

Humbling.

This morning I’m back at work on the drains. They seem to be working but I won’t know until I shower again. I called in late for work. I don’t feel like going in at all but how many people do on a Monday?

So here goes another shower and hopefully not a call to a plumber. Wish me luck!!

πŸ™πŸ½πŸ™πŸ½πŸ’‹

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

9 thoughts on “I’m ok”

  1. Is this the daughter you’ve been referencing? Aww .. her message is gorgeous and so true… you are doing an amazing job….!!!!!!

    I look at being okay as in that we are okay always, that essentially there is the core sense of okayness that we, I, can tune into. That is the reality and always there no matter what is going on. Kinda like innate health/mindfulness.

    Love, light and glitter

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. Exactly. That’s what I like to think too, but sometimes let myself cry and break down because life is hard and painful and it resets me. But basically yes intrinsically I know none of this matters. So I have to make of it what I will and be who I think I am inside. Who can I love with myself being regardless of circumstances. Not always easy. But it’s ok. Doing my best and falling wherever that happens to land is ok. Hitting the mark, falling short, raising it… all inconsequential to my innate beingness.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. One of the benefits of being a very practical guy is I can fix anything, usually with the minimum of fuss. Drains a specialty ~ given I once owned a trailer park with miles of fucking drains.
    Be strong sweetheart πŸ’
    You can more than just cope.
    Talk with me anytime πŸ’–πŸ˜ŽπŸ’–

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Being a single mom I can so relate to this. My basement flooded -again- this weekend and I just felt like throwing in the towel. But we don’t. That’s not really an option is it? We have our mini break down and then we soldier on and get it done. Is it always done perfectly? No. But sometimes β€œgood enough” is good enough.
    You did good mom. The text from your you g human proves it.
    Xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

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