I’ve been struggling these last few days. Not so much with low self esteem as with intense self doubt. I suppose some people see them as one and the same, but there is a nuance there I think.
I’ve been called many things in life, and one that seems to follow me around is being called uppity. I seem to at times have this air of entitlement to me, of being better than. In reality I have never felt better than anyone, ever. Conversely I don’t feel less than people either. We all have our challenges. We all have our glory. We all have our weaknesses and we all have our mastery. I am not the judge of any of that, thankfully.
But I still know that I do have this armor that I’ve carried aroud forever that masks the pain inside. That holds in my way too soft and broken pieces and has kept me from completely falling apart more times than I can even count. I know I can come across as impenetrable and distant when I am actually far from it.
I truly, genuinely like people. It’s just that the persona that I portray isn’t the vulnerable side. Meanwhile I know people that portray themselves as harmless and kind hearted who are more mean spirited and self seeking than I could ever be. Perception isn’t everything, but unfortunately it’s a lot and I don’t know how to change this.
Should I even try? I do want my life to be in alignment. But it almost feels like fabricating a facade, which makes no sense really. But this armor I built was for a reason. It served me well as a child struggling with massive depression, suicidal thoughts and very low self-esteem. However, I am not that same person, even though I carry the same armor still. I’ve been told I can be off-putting. I know it alienates people sometimes. I know it isn’t really me but right now I don’t have the energy to address that, even though I’ve been looking at it rather intensely.
I do think that this thick shell that has been self cast around my soul is the only thing keeping it all propped up right now. That no one can see or understand the real me is my own loss really, I understand that. But there is only so much that can be asked of someone. And right now I’m just keeping it all together as best I can trying to get to the other side.