I’ve been struggling these last few days. Not so much with low self esteem as with intense self doubt. I suppose some people see them as one and the same, but there is a nuance there I think.

I’ve been called many things in life, and one that seems to follow me around is being called uppity. I seem to at times have this air of entitlement to me, of being better than. In reality I have never felt better than anyone, ever. Conversely I don’t feel less than people either. We all have our challenges. We all have our glory. We all have our weaknesses and we all have our mastery. I am not the judge of any of that, thankfully.

But I still know that I do have this armor that I’ve carried aroud forever that masks the pain inside. That holds in my way too soft and broken pieces and has kept me from completely falling apart more times than I can even count. I know I can come across as impenetrable and distant when I am actually far from it.

I truly, genuinely like people. It’s just that the persona that I portray isn’t the vulnerable side. Meanwhile I know people that portray themselves as harmless and kind hearted who are more mean spirited and self seeking than I could ever be. Perception isn’t everything, but unfortunately it’s a lot and I don’t know how to change this.

Should I even try? I do want my life to be in alignment. But it almost feels like fabricating a facade, which makes no sense really. But this armor I built was for a reason. It served me well as a child struggling with massive depression, suicidal thoughts and very low self-esteem. However, I am not that same person, even though I carry the same armor still. I’ve been told I can be off-putting. I know it alienates people sometimes. I know it isn’t really me but right now I don’t have the energy to address that, even though I’ve been looking at it rather intensely.

I do think that this thick shell that has been self cast around my soul is the only thing keeping it all propped up right now. That no one can see or understand the real me is my own loss really, I understand that. But there is only so much that can be asked of someone. And right now I’m just keeping it all together as best I can trying to get to the other side.

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

11 thoughts on “Fresa”

  1. You and me both. I have been told I am cold and difficult to get to know. Reserved. Funny considering that my job requires me to talk all the time. At my age I am too old to try and change others opinions of me. I am me. Weird perverted emotional empathetic storyteller. I like you just the way you are. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Awwwww

      Thanks Jay. I like me too. Guess it is what it is. I really don’t have the time or energy to address it anyways.

      Like stewardesses… they sometimes have this air of I don’t give two fucks. Suppose it’s a learned defense mechanism maybe. Suppose we may have picked it up along the way in our tumultuous childhoods. That is funny that you are in customer service though. I am too and I need to be building my business and I have been wondering if I am my own worst enemy.

      In Cali. I made friends so easily no matter where I was and I had a business that flourished through word of mouth primarily. But Oregon is no California.

      I’m just grasping at straws here trying to figure this thing out. I have indeed learned so much about myself here; my psyche, my drives, compulsions and desires, my need for “naughty pleasures” as my therapist calls it.
      It may be unrealistic to expect myt to change at this point, and do I really even need to? I know who I am inside, where it counts.
      It’s just an interesting dilemma though. Isn’t it?

      Do I change who I appear to the world to be in my mannerisms and attitude to match who I am on the inside when that persona was crafted over 45 years of neglect, extreme hardship and the determination not to let life sucker punch me anymore. Can I just let that hard shell go?

      Liked by 1 person

          1. Yea. I can’t see that being a possibility right now. It’s all I can do to be strong. I cried myself to sleep and woke up crying again only with a massive migraine to boot. The joy of it all. πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„


          2. Yes. True. But I’m also tired of being a rock. I want more friends. I want a partner. I want a community of people I love that appreciate me for me. But….if this exoskeleton isn’t letting people in. If it’s turning people away that is a disservice to myself and my business.

            As I get older I seem less and less caring I’ve noticed. It isn’t my truth. I care deeply, maybe too much actually.

            I’m not going to worry about it. Maybe I’m just not where I need to be. Maybe I’m a round peg in a square hole here. Maybe I’ve fought too hard for nothing. That’s a real possibility I may need to accept….maybe.

            I need to allow myself some grace regardless. My heart is in the right place, even if I can’t convey it as much as I’d like to be able to. Such is life.

            Liked by 1 person

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