I’m going dormant as far as my social engagements. I’ve stopped all correspondence with everyone basically, except Jay-lynn… but even that is pretty minimal right now. I’m not so much burnt-out or frustrated as just trying to find my own rhythm and flow.
My therapist yesterday expected me to be angered by the events that have transpired recently. But anger isn’t really one of my default settings*.
It all kind of started with Paul calling me repeatedly. I was trying to avoid him because I don’t want him getting too attached to me after sleeping together and while he means well his desire for me to explore being a professional dominatrix just adds more stress to my life.
Then one of my best friends husband emailed me when she was out of town visiting her dying mother. Wanting me to call and FaceTime him. Dude!!! Ugghhh. We aren’t really friends and if he only knew how many times I’ve gone to bat for him, for him to pull this dumbass move and put me in this position. And the only reason I’m not telling her is that her mother just died. Like does she need to know her husband is a major ass too, with me no less. No one wants to hear about that.
Then Brad makes me promise to sleep with my ex, during sex no less; in the middle of an intense bondage session. I had to explain to him in very clear terms when he brought it up a few days later in normal conversation that A) I have no desire to do that B) I have more important things to do than think about orchestrating his desires to be cuckholded, or for me to be his slut. C) how does he think this benefits me at all right now? And most importantly D) my body, my decision: period!
This is not to even mention that not only do I not want to, but both my therapist and the pedophile specialist told me to stop doing that; not just for my own safety and self esteem but to get out of his tethers. And Brad just wants to push me back there for what reason? I want to think it’s because he knows how sex alleviates stress for me. I like to think it’s because he knows I’m comfortable being naked with my ex and therefore sex would theoretically be more pleasurable.
The thing is…..no one, not one of these men stopped to consider what I want.
Then add my mom to the equation who wants me to marry Brad for the supposed financial stability.
I get that people don’t know how to help beyond their own narrative. I get that people tend to help others in the fashion they see fit which is not in the way people may actually need help. It’s human nature to be me-centric, even with philanthropic endeavors, even when they are genuinely trying to help. I get that. So why be mad?
As far as my friends husband I told him to get his head on straight and never talk to me like that again. I told him I was disappointed in him. Hopefully he gets it. Hopefully if she finds out she can forgive me for not telling her. I really wanted to but this doesn’t seem the right time and when would be really?
So…… I’m retreating into myself right now. For anyone that has tried to reach me, please excuse my radio silence but don’t expect a reply anytime soon, if at all honestly. I need to recalibrate my own inner pendulum. Remember who I am, what I want and what I need from myself. Life can be difficult without a support system. Life can be hard without a foundation and safety nets in place but ultimately it comes down to me irregardless of everything and everyone else.
And so it is.
*unless I’m driving🙄.