It’s been a tough start this year already. Joined the gym to go all of one day; overtrained and gave myself a 3 day migraine. Then I fell on my knee and have been in limp mode ever since. Last night I parked in a pre-order spot in front of Chipotle, stepping ahead of a guy who I saw back out of that same spot to park elsewhere. Then proceeded to order 4 meals with a worker that was slow as molasses. My knee was smarting a lot and I was just soo tired that I justified my behavior to myself. But the guy behind me got so irritated he left. Which I can’t blame him for and made me feel worse.
That’s not my typical behavior and while I forgave myself and asked for his forgiveness cosmically it’s still on my mind. It’s upsetting to me, but not because I’m being a hypocrite, not because I am not upholding some good person status, it’s about living up to my own expectations of myself. And I failed. I’ve been failing. And while yes, I could justify it. My life is hard. I’m dealing with a lot. Pain sucks. I have very little support and help. I am doing my best. Am I? Is it? Does any of that matter?
These are things I must settle within myself. I’ve just had so much on my mind and been too busy to process any of it.
I did manage to finish the second season of You on Netflix. It encapsulates part of the Hollywood vibe pretty well. And while none of the characters are all that likable I still enjoy the main character Joe and his inner dialogue. And what he said to the teenager on the last episode really stuck with me. He said something like “you’re right, I am not a good person, but I am the only thing standing between you and much worse”.
And that is how my life feels right now. Like I’m that teenager caught in a vortex of circumstances completely out of my control and there is only bad and worse. I’m really trying to stay hopeful about the arbitration hearing at the end of the month; right now everything pretty much hinges on that. That would be the best option but it won’t alleviate my workload. It will just buy me more space and time to keep growing my business and keep my children stabilized. But that’s the blessing I am hoping for.
While I have been too busy and in pain to be very horny, I still have been really missing sex, touch and connection. Being overly tactile is really awesome when it can be satiated, which doesn’t take much really; but it is absolute misery when it can’t be. Longing to be held and hold.
And then, not to sound like a drag, but can someone please tell me, did Trump just start a war? That’s kind of been on my mind too. 🥺😬🥺
Those were my only criteria for this man that I stated from the start. As long as he doesn’t start a war or crash the economy let the man have his time. See what he can do. He seems to have a knack for failing abysmally but recovering well from it, except some things in life you can’t just walk back. Let hope this isn’t one of them. 🙏🏽