I’m an idiot…

Truly. No other words to describe it. I get ahead, catch a little break and blow it for myself. I work so hard. Sacrifice so much and then I dig myself another hole to crawl into. I say this because I went gambling Sunday and wasted some of that pocket change. I wrote this whole giant blog yesterday about it but I was too ashamed to post it and I also wasn’t feeling well enough to even proof read it.

I even had to call off work Monday because my migraine was on full blast. Any noise, light, even smell was aggravating me. As long as I didn’t have to move, open my eyes too much or focus on anything I was fine. But that isn’t really functioning. Brad was sweet. He picked me up, drove me to his house and pampered me. The most I had to do was shop for a few items at the store. I wish I had had my sunglasses. I forget how bright stores are until I have a migraine.

Fortunately the employees weren’t so friendly so I didn’t have to engage. We laid in bed in his dark cave of a room. It was very soothing. Eventually I let him give me a half of a narcotic though. I wish I hadn’t. It helped the pounding but made my liver flair up a bit but maybe worse than that…. I then couldn’t orgasm. Tried for an hour and just gave up out of sheer exhaustion.

I slept ok though and woke up today with just an average low level headache. I can live with a headache no problem. So off to work I go and then a client later. A sweet elderly client that I haven’t seen in over a year. I wasn’t planning on taking clients today or tomorrow but I’m so glad to be of service to her that it feels more like a privilege than work.

I truly love what I do. Just wish I had enough clients to make a livable income at it. I realize it takes time to build a business and I’m so thankful to have the clients I do have. Even if this endeavor fails and I lose everything, I’ll still be thankful I got to experience this. Being fulfilled in what one does and finding meaning to one’s life is something that can’t be regretted…. ever…. no matter what comes of it.

Things happen for a reason. Even if I can’t see or understand these difficulties in my life I have to believe that for myself. I mean I’ve seen it played out so many times too that even with all of life’s atrocities and unfairness I know I have to be able to see that what matters most isn’t the chaos around me it’s the chaos within me. When it’s all said and done truly none of this matters. Life, death, good, evil are simply the melodrama of this reality playing out over and over back and forth.

We are, I am, very fortunate to have choices here. Choices which define the trajectory of my soul and who I am in this lifetime. That is where I want to focus on this coming year; being more conscious of those decisions. Truly taking the reigns on the choices I make; little to big. Truly deciding “is this who I am?”, “Is this who I choose to be?”, “Is this serving me, my life, those I love, the world?”

Like the caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland I must be my own vigil. I must stand for what I truly believe. I must be the person I want to be. I feel very much at a crossroad in my life right now. I suppose though that we are truly always at that precipice in this realm. Where we must choose to go with authenticity within ourselves or go with the supposedly “easy way”.

What I’ve seen in life though is that the easy way, just like all other ways comes with a price tag. And if I have to pay either way I’d rather pay the price for living the path of satisfying my soul and being true to myself. I just have to have the balls to go for it, to really truly go for it. I have to stop living a fear based life. It’s difficult, to say the least. I know that much. But it’s worth it… is what I also know.

So 2020….. Let’s dance baby, let’s dance!!!


Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

10 thoughts on “I’m an idiot…”

  1. Most of the time, we are our own worst enemy – we just hope that it’s never or rarely in a bad way. Hell, I’m an idiot several times a day but I think if I never had any of those moments, I’d check myself in at a mental health place because there’s something really wrong with me.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. We’re human – comes with the territory. Sometimes I find myself saying, “You big dummy…” because I did something “idiotic” and, yeah, shouldn’t have done it, shouldn’t have forgotten something – the list goes on.

        If nothing else, it confirms the fact that I’m not perfect or even close to it. Thank you for saying I’m level headed and intelligent – I do my best – but even I have those moments and, perhaps, it’s what keeps me level headed.

        We all screw the pooch in some way because none of us are perfect and error-free…

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Yes. Very true.

          It’s a matter of me mitigating my own negative behavior though. I don’t have a problem making a mistake when I was doing my best and what I thought was the right thing or something I truly wasn’t aware of or was out of my control.

          But I have a compulsive and addictive personality pattern sometimes. That’s how I got into eBay actually. It helped me satisfy that craving. Selling things on it became like a game of skill and luck. Like gambling; it isn’t so much about winning. Winning is a great and desired byproduct but I’m happy breaking even or losing a small amount even. I really like the game itself. Like Sting’s “Shape of my heart”. If that makes sense.


          1. It does make sense; there’s something you like doing – but you know that maybe you shouldn’t – but you do it anyway, oh, like going out to gamble and your wallet takes a hit instead of getting loaded up. You say to yourself, “You know better than this!” and you’re right – you do… but it’s such a fun thing to do whether you win, lose, or break even.

            As long as it doesn’t get out of control and you need to call the gambling hotline to get help, it’s not so idiotic. To some degree, we all have a compulsive and addictive personality pattern – we are still human, after all – but it still remains a matter of whether or not we can get a grip and exert control over whatever compulsive/addictive things we find ourselves doing. I think that as long as those things don’t have us reacting like Pavlov’s dog – ring the bell, and elicit an automatic response – then that’s a good thing; you might think about hitting the casino and decide, nah, not going there tonight – I was there last night (or whenever you were last there) and you don’t need to go again and maybe even plan to go at a later date – that breaks up the compulsive/addictive stuff even if only for that moment.

            If you know it, you can control it and you seem to know yourself quite well.


          2. Lol.

            Thanks. I do try to know myself. I think it’s absolutely vital for growth and genuine serenity within myself to do so.

            I did allow myself to go and then regretted it. It’s something I want to stop doing. I want to stop giving my money away. If I’m going to “blow it” I want it to go to extravagances I enjoy, need and are more practical, like a massage, like a shopping spree at the thrift store, like new towels, like hiring someone to come help me clean my house. Things I can get lasting pleasure from. It doesn’t help that I’ve won several big jackpots though because it makes me want to do it again. Then I lose and feel like shit. It’s not a good feeling.

            Maybe once all my finances are in order I can indulge and blow money once in a while but it really feels way too irresponsible right now. You know what I mean.


    1. Hey….no…I want that title…

      Wait. ummmm..hold on.

      I’d like to not so much share as maybe just pass the baton on this one. I spose that will never be possible. If we humans have proved anything over our existence it’s our ability to be idiots repeatedly.


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