Truly. No other words to describe it. I get ahead, catch a little break and blow it for myself. I work so hard. Sacrifice so much and then I dig myself another hole to crawl into. I say this because I went gambling Sunday and wasted some of that pocket change. I wrote this whole giant blog yesterday about it but I was too ashamed to post it and I also wasn’t feeling well enough to even proof read it.
I even had to call off work Monday because my migraine was on full blast. Any noise, light, even smell was aggravating me. As long as I didn’t have to move, open my eyes too much or focus on anything I was fine. But that isn’t really functioning. Brad was sweet. He picked me up, drove me to his house and pampered me. The most I had to do was shop for a few items at the store. I wish I had had my sunglasses. I forget how bright stores are until I have a migraine.
Fortunately the employees weren’t so friendly so I didn’t have to engage. We laid in bed in his dark cave of a room. It was very soothing. Eventually I let him give me a half of a narcotic though. I wish I hadn’t. It helped the pounding but made my liver flair up a bit but maybe worse than that…. I then couldn’t orgasm. Tried for an hour and just gave up out of sheer exhaustion.
I slept ok though and woke up today with just an average low level headache. I can live with a headache no problem. So off to work I go and then a client later. A sweet elderly client that I haven’t seen in over a year. I wasn’t planning on taking clients today or tomorrow but I’m so glad to be of service to her that it feels more like a privilege than work.
I truly love what I do. Just wish I had enough clients to make a livable income at it. I realize it takes time to build a business and I’m so thankful to have the clients I do have. Even if this endeavor fails and I lose everything, I’ll still be thankful I got to experience this. Being fulfilled in what one does and finding meaning to one’s life is something that can’t be regretted…. ever…. no matter what comes of it.
Things happen for a reason. Even if I can’t see or understand these difficulties in my life I have to believe that for myself. I mean I’ve seen it played out so many times too that even with all of life’s atrocities and unfairness I know I have to be able to see that what matters most isn’t the chaos around me it’s the chaos within me. When it’s all said and done truly none of this matters. Life, death, good, evil are simply the melodrama of this reality playing out over and over back and forth.
We are, I am, very fortunate to have choices here. Choices which define the trajectory of my soul and who I am in this lifetime. That is where I want to focus on this coming year; being more conscious of those decisions. Truly taking the reigns on the choices I make; little to big. Truly deciding “is this who I am?”, “Is this who I choose to be?”, “Is this serving me, my life, those I love, the world?”
Like the caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland I must be my own vigil. I must stand for what I truly believe. I must be the person I want to be. I feel very much at a crossroad in my life right now. I suppose though that we are truly always at that precipice in this realm. Where we must choose to go with authenticity within ourselves or go with the supposedly “easy way”.
What I’ve seen in life though is that the easy way, just like all other ways comes with a price tag. And if I have to pay either way I’d rather pay the price for living the path of satisfying my soul and being true to myself. I just have to have the balls to go for it, to really truly go for it. I have to stop living a fear based life. It’s difficult, to say the least. I know that much. But it’s worth it… is what I also know.
So 2020….. Let’s dance baby, let’s dance!!!