Went to sleep with Prince’s “Little Red Corvette” in my head. Then I woke up singing the lyrics to that Lizzo song “baby how you feeling? Feeling good as hell.”.
Yesterday was a rough day and an even worse night, so I’m very glad to wake up refreshed and not tired at all. I would go through the drama of it all but I don’t want to replay it in my head. The one reason I think I should disclose and just let it all out is that one day 50 years from now I want my grandchildren to read my blog back to me so I can laugh and cry at the stupidity of it all. And I suppose the more accurate and heartfelt I make it the more enjoyable that will be.
So here goes.
First of all, work sucks. I like the job itself. But like a lot of instances in life it’s the people you interact with that make or break it. No one is purposefully going out of their way to make my life miserable so I’m just going to keep pressing forward with it.
My boss although she’s never stated it seems happy with my performance. Truthfully I’ve never once had a boss complain about my work. I come in on time and just do my job; no drama, no complaining, no slacking off. If it isn’t illegal, immoral or impossible I will get it done. Just about every boss I’ve ever had would hire me again. I usually got all the promotions and raises I qualified for, even got promoted to a better job on an interview.
And I can actually tell she’s trying not to micromanage me. That is one thing I will not put up with. Give me a job and let me do it. If you’re going to micromanage every step of it, do it yourself. I had one manager that would literally follow me to the copier to make sure I did it right. After the fifth time I was like ok, no more and managed to get the HR director to move me to a different department.
So then I get home and the place is a disaster area. I immediately start picking up trash and taking dishes to the sink. And the more trash I pick up the angrier I am getting. Like this is just ridiculous. These kids aren’t incapable of picking up after themselves. They aren’t babies. I had asked the middle child to help her younger sister clean their room and I come home to it being a huge mess still. And at that point I lose it a bit.
I tell her to get up and do it. She tells me she is too dizzy. I tell her to do it anyway. She refuses. Mind you; this is the child that does nothing all day but lay on the couch. She doesn’t go to school. She doesn’t have to do more than empty the dishwasher daily and help with the litter every other day. That’s it, that’s literally all she has to do. The rest of the time she watches TV, plays video games and plays on her devices. I get she doesn’t feel good and I’ve accomodated her but she still has to pitch in once in a while and help when I need her to.
And me asking at her to do a few things around the house and getting no response, excessive attitude and plenty of excuses isn’t sustainable. I am tired of feeling like a maid. So this turns into a huge battle of wills and I called her father and told her to pack her things. If all she is going to do it lay around she can do it at his place. This not listening to me or following any rules is not gonna fly in my house.
I truthfully, absolutely don’t want her to leave and at one point go to my room to cry it out. But I also can’t feel like I’m being strongarmed in my own house. Then she starts threatening suicide if I make her leave. Her father gets here and she has a massive meltdown. I keep telling her I love her but I need her to follow rules and do what I ask her to do; which is truly very little. Basically just clean up after yourself more and do the few chores and things I need you to do in order for us to cohabitate well and function as a family. It’s nothing she can’t do, and it’s not asking a lot.
So she finally agrees to my rules and her father leaves. Thank God!! Don’t know why it took such a huge amount of drama to get her to understand she can’t just do as she pleases all day, every day. At one point everyone but her father was crying, but afterwards she was actually behaving like her normal kid self again and not the dizzy blob that just lays on the couch. I’m not sure how we are going to tackle this dizziness of hers. The MRI showed nothing. The three counselors I’ve taken her to can’t get her to open up. She was discharged from two of them because she refused to talk. The western med. doctors seem to all have thrown in the towel on her.
But we’ll just keep trying things. I got her new anxiety medication at the natural grocery store last night. I’m going to take her to my naturopath next. It’s far and she doesn’t do well on car rides but….it is what it is.
I swear…. sometimes I just feel so inept as a parent.
Right? Ugghhhhhh. Tell me about it. Stressful sometimes. Worth it but doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Today, I’m joining the gym again. I’m so excited. I enjoy it so much. Me time. Something healthy I do for myself. Makes me feel great. Those endorphins are awesome and very much needed.
Enjoy your day my pretties.