Last night I set some holiday cookies up, lit a candle and said a prayer for the dead. I was so tired and had taken a fairly large dose of THC that I accidentally fell asleep during it.
I then had a dream that my youngest came into the room and I could see the light shining behind her very brightly. She just stood there and I asked her “what’s wrong?” and that startled me awake and I realized the candle was still burning. Phew!
I never really light candles with my asthma and allergies. So this is very rare for me, let alone falling asleep so rapidly and unintentionally. But I thank God for waking me up. I don’t even want to think of what could have happened.
Today I woke up before everyone and started making monkey bread. I usually make donuts on Christmas day but I wanted to try something different. We also usually have ham, but tonight we will be having pot roast and in between we will have an appetizer spread set out all day to get us to dinner.
I woke up feeling very calm and happy; because I have the day off, because my kiddos are home safe, because we get to share this day together; building more memories and sharing love.
Brad and I got into an argument last night; to absolutely no one’s surprise. I bought everything I need for the dinner but he had wanted pumpkin pie specifically from Costco. So I asked him to pick it up; especially because the kids won’t eat it and he will end up taking it home. So he asks me last night if he can have some and bring it like that. I said “do what you want”. I wanted to say no, but if he was asking then he really wanted it and needed to justify it but I just wasn’t going to green light that. For one I’m not his mother. Secondly, who doesn’t know you just don’t do that. Thirdly, I just didn’t care enough to argue about it. If he really wanted it “do it then”, was my stance, which is not the same as giving permission.
He knew the difference and it started an argument. I swear it feels like he goads me into these things. Sets me up for failure. If he doesn’t get what he wants it goes bad. And I am just so tired of the stupidity of these arguments. While there are big issues between us, these day to day stupid little things seem to really make it unbearable.
I love the boi, but I really need to ring in the year single and carefree. I wish this meant we could stay friends and even fuck here and there but I don’t think he will go for that. And I know with how attached we are to each other that it would be hard for me too. So anyway. I don’t know if he is even coming today. I hope he does. But….. I don’t need more drama and pouting. He has been very depressed and in a lot of pain and I get it, I really do, but it’s hard to be around. And today of all days is a day I just want to focus on my little family and the joy of the day.
So with all that……
I’m wishing you comfort and joy on this day.
You are loved❣️