Brad picked me up. Went with him to get an MRI for his back. That’s two visits to medical buildings for someone with a pretty serious hospital phobia. I do it when I have to and I don’t complain or even mention it, but I absolutely hate it. We also loaded up on fast food. It’s been a pretty bad little stint for me with food from Thanksgiving to now.
I haven’t been continuously bad but bad enough to start feeling it’s effects. (Yeast infection, sore in my mouth, overly tired, brain fog, moody). Since I have no intention of making plans for New Year’s I will stop this food madness the day after Christmas and resume my regular scheduled programming.
So afterwards we climbed into bed, watched a holiday movie and I summarily passed out. Didn’t even get up to brush my teeth or wash my face, which is completely unlike me. But we woke up early and made up for it with two orgasms…..for me. My first all the week due to the vibrator mishap. Today we have earmarked for Christmas shopping and In and Out. I think I’ll continue the food intoxication with donuts this morning.
I absolutely know better but it’s fine. I can justify it to myself, even as I know the price I pay for it. Guess that’s what we all do.
So the premise of my blog today was something I was thinking about earlier this morning. How much I want to believe the things we are told.
I want to believe in Western medicine ideology. I want to believe that a system of treating illnesses via focusing primarily on symptoms utilizing scripts works.
I want to believe that a society build on a system of capitalism benefits everyone.
I want to believe that using marriage as a basis for the foundation of a family works. And that marriage provides more comfort, stability, happiness and fulfilment in ways other systems of living as units could not.
I want to believe that by simply loving and supporting your children to be who they are you will be helping then succeed in life.
I want to believe that having a degree will be the key to financial stability and building a lifelong career path into higher income brackets.
I want to believe that the government oversight of our food and drugs isn’t tainted and in cahoots with purely profit seeking companies. And that the systems in place for the processing of our food and creation/administration of drugs is driven by the good for all mankind.
I want to believe that corporations reign themselves in from corruption and greed and contribute in meaningful ways to the societies it profits from.
I want to trust that believing in God is the foundation to being a good person.
But none of these things are factual and absolute truths.
Most have nuances of some truth, but mostly it’s just wishful thinking.
I truly, deeply, want to believe these things. I soooooo much so want to. You don’t know how much. But being pragmatic comes with difficulties in life. You simply can’t unsee or unknow what is actually true.
But I still want to buy into these things on some level, mostly just because there don’t seem to be other options easily available and built into the systems we have in place.
We have set up society to fail in so many ways and we are born into it with no fault in that and are told “suck it up and make the best of it”.
I grew tired of towing that line, so I have let a lot of it go. I’ve walked away, so to say. Decided to forge a different path, which as we all know comes with its own price tag. But it’s not what I wanted. It isn’t. But I simply can’t follow things just because it’s more convenient to or that’s what most people do or that’s what expected of me. I just can’t.
I have to beat to my own drum….. that is worth almost any price to me.
Because what is life worth living if I can’t be true to myself, the only being I truly know, live within and have control over. The only experience and limited time I have to live this life I won’t give to things I don’t believe in. I just can’t. It isn’t logical to me and more importantly it doesn’t make me happy.
It’s the crux of it all. But I guess I wouldn’t have it any other way. I just gotta be me.
Wishing you the joy of having the balls to just be you too!! Lol 💋💋💋