For not being too extremely complicated my job is a bit stressful. I still enjoy it because I like challenges and I like putting things in order and feeling accomplished. But from the minute I walk through the door to the minute I leave I am working continually and yet today I felt like I didn’t accomplish much. It’s a funny feeling that leaves me scratching my head.
My mom is getting admitted to the hospital tomorrow now. And my great aunt in NY slipped and fell and when my mother couldn’t reach her today after trying for over a day and a half she sent the neighbor over who found her on the floor. Who knows how long she had been there. They took her to emergency. A family member will probably have to fly up there to figure out the situation and help her, but I’m really hoping it’s not me.
It’s a week before Christmas. I haven’t finished shopping. I haven’t planned Christmas dinner. I have clients booked and this work commitment. It would be really hard, but if I have to I obviously will. I have family members without kids that don’t work or freelance that could more easily go, but you can’t force people to do something they don’t want to do. At least not my extended relatives, it seems. Lol
Then tonight, we go to the MRI and the kidlet comes out practically fainting from dizziness and nausea. She is not used to being supine. She sleeps sitting up on the couch since her dizzy spells started. Seems to help somehow.
So half way home traffic completely stops, even though the light is green. There is a woman, mid 20’s, ethnic – maybe Hispanic or mixed race, in the middle of the road screaming at the cars to run her over. This goes on for at least 10 minutes. All the while I am holding back tears and I unbuckle and try to leave the car and everyone says not to. That I don’t know how to deal with her and the situation. I wanted to help, but I did honestly not know how. She ran from the one person that did actually get out of their car to try to help.*
The police come and get her to the ground. My youngest doesn’t understand and it breaks my heart even more to have to explain it to her. This poor woman and the suffering she is enduring, to cry for help in such a drastic manner. I cradle the babe as she falls asleep in my arms on the remaining car ride.
I’m exhausted. Emotionally drained to the point I feel nauseous myself.
Life can be so hard. Be kind to yourself and others.
And I am going to try as well.
*I’d like to think under different circumstances; maybe without the kids and my ex there, maybe without me already being so tired, maybe without the huge audience there I would have done something. But I don’t want to give myself any undeserved credit. I did not help. There is the pudding and the proof. I’ve always wanted to do volunteer work with at risk youth, suicide prevention and such.
But life as it stands doesn’t leave me enough energy or give me enough time or resources to do all the things I want to do. So very unfortunately.
Then part of me thinks had I gotten out of the car I would have fallen to the floor crying. But how would that be helpful at all. I think I would have put my hands to heaven and prayed. But these are just my thoughts and I am too chicken ass to probably ever do it.
My life is a carousel of “what if”s and “damn I probably shouldn’t have”s and I’m trying to get off this ride and I just can’t seem to figure out how.