I ate bad for two days. Lots of sugar and dairy and gluten. I was going to cap it off today with In and Out. They just opened one near Brad’s place. Prior to that the closest one was 4 hours away. But I don’t need more inflammation. I know what triggers my body into stress mode and eating badly does that to me. On top of all the stress I already have in my life I don’t need to self inflict more.
I was laying in bed trying to relax. My eye kept twitching nervously and I could not stop it. Since I decided not to do the prayer on the 13th I had a few odd things happen: felt a presence twice. So I decided to just move the prayer to Christmas Eve. I will set some food out and light a candle for those caught between worlds and wish them the chance of traveling on now. I am very happy and settled with that decision. Gives me warm fuzzies.
But something happened yesterday that has me a bit upset. I don’t know if he was doing it purposefully or subconsciously but Brad did something to trigger my abuse in front of my children and I did nothing. I let him trigger me. It was surreal almost, the intensity of it, how it drew me back into the role of a helpless little girl. It isn’t something I want to have my children witness. I am truly ashamed. I am not sure what to do.
After the fact I talked to him about how that could never happen again. But was the damage done? How much do these creatures soak up? The fact that it was so easy. That I fell back into the role of the “good little girl”, sexually available and yielding to him. It probably sounds worse than it is. Like at one point he put his hand around my neck and held me in place. But I was laying in his arms. I wasn’t going anywhere. There was no struggle. But the optics of it just seem really bad to me.
Those are games that are not meant for little eyes to see. I addressed it. I do not like feeling like this; questioning myself and my mothering. I wondered if I need to go back to see the pedophile specialist or join a 12 step program for woman who were sexually abused. I do think two people can entice each other to do things they normally would not do, even with other people.
Brad pushes my boundaries so much. I don’t mind playing these games alone or behind closed doors or with adults present that are consenting….. but this was unacceptable to me.
I was going to stay home today and clean and work on some paperwork but Brad gave me money to hire someone to come help me clean so I could hang out with him and his family for a family dinner. It’s a sweet sentiment. I’m not bringing the kids. Last night was the first time he was in close quarters for an extended period of time with them and well….. I don’t like how it went. Even though it was a very small blip in an otherwise nice time.
It still stokes red flags for me. Is it me? Is it him? Is it us together? I can’t say but it distresses me. I don’t need this crap. I really don’t.
My mom still insists I marry him asap. Maybe she is trying to use reverse psychology? Ugghhhhh… my life confuses me profoundly sometimes, even my own actions. I guess I’ll reach out to the therapist again, or maybe a new one. This last one told me to follow my gut and that she thought Brad was a red flag for me too, mainly based on the fact that he triggers me so much, but she also didn’t like a few other things. Maybe these aren’t games I need to be playing at all anymore.
Maybe I need to redirect my sexuality completely. I do enjoy Domming A LOT. That does not trigger me, it excites and charges me. But I also like variety too.
This is me just going day by day, moment by moment. Trying to make life better and easier for myself and my kiddos. I don’t want to say I am failing, but I’m not getting any awards right now either. 🙄🥺🤔
Someone suggested hypnotherapy to me again last night; in a different context but still. I just don’t know that I can relinquishing that level of control. Plus the expense of it. Can it be justified right now? I need to find the answer and solution of all this. If the problem is within me still, then the partner is irrelevant really. Isn’t it?
Well…. I better get going. I have a new client soon.