Exhausted, small existential crisis

I am so tired. I think maybe I may have taken a bit too much THC last night. Plus I was thinking of very emotional things and had myself a tiny existential crisis.

As laid in bed I worked on relaxing my body and working out all the tension and stress. Then I remembered that today is the 13th and I’ve been doing my prayer for the departed this day of the month for most of the year and I asked myself if I was going to do it still. Last time I asked for benevolence from those I may have helped cross over. I asked for help with my daughter’s health issues and my finances.

I honestly hadn’t even remembered anything about it since I did it last month. I had gotten the idea from the rituals of the Daime. It had not been a thought in my head prior to hearing them ask for blessings from beyond for any help they may have given. So I thought back to that request and I became sullen.

Yes, I did get a job I tolerate in that time frame. Yes, my daughter seems to be on the upswing as of very recently. But it’s not even close to the relief I was hoping for. Then I felt guilty. It was an intense exchange and I left it in the air as to what I would do today. After all, the entire reason I started this is that I could hear spirits present in my house and I don’t particularly care to be scared or have the girls scared, so I offered to perform a prayer in exchange for peace and quiet the rest of the time.

It’s a good system. It worked. Especially since I am not contained in my powers enough to hear messages clearly from sprits. I don’t know that I ever will be but I don’t discount it either.

Interestingly enough my small crisis had to do with this also to some degree. I reminded myself that I needn’t be afraid in life because I came here to witness myself. For me… for my existence… for my original desire to be here. I know it is because I wanted to see and interact with The Divine.

How I see it, in the reality I came from (who knows how long and how many dimensions and lifetimes ago) everything and everyone is One. And that One is a glorious pulsing energy of pure love with no separation. No me, you, they, it, them, or other. And I believe the moment “I” became aware and desirous, I popped out of that dimension and started this journey back home.

But this reality I am living is simply one of an infinitesemal available to be had. In this reality we are separate as a multitude of so many different facets and ways of being. Ways I never could have even dreamed of in my cacoon of The All. In this reality we intercept with evil. Yet, in another place and time it is all interwoven. There are things I am still grasping for myself.

Then I wonder too, if there is something even better than that to be had. This is sacrilegious even to me, mind you. How can there be better than the proverbial “heaven”. Because that truly is the best thing I’ve ever experienced in any reality I’ve seen or heard of. But what if there is a place where you have that intense feeling of belonging and love and deep satisfaction and pleasure, but also with a sense of me and thems. In other words, a world surrounded by truly loving beings and things of beauty and well being. Wouldn’t that be even, potentially, more splendid.

I was thinking of what has made me happiest in this life and it’s never been circumstances, things, money or power. It’s always been the people in my life, the connections that pull at my heart and give me satiety and peace. It has been people that have made or broken me the most. So what of a place where the beings all knew only of love. Maybe that sounds boring, but to me it sounds dreamily magical.

So back to the original thought. What is there to fear? If this reality is an illusion of separation and everything and everyone is an extension of a deeper being then this is all just an interpretation of life happening. And I don’t have to take it as anything more than a type of virtual reality game, but one where to die means a real ending and a new beginning as something beyond this material shell.

So what I’m saying is that it’s all a temporary farce and I know this. So why do I take it all on so much? Why do I let it control me, stress me, deter me? I am here to witness and experience the me that I think I am interact with the One that is truly everything.

I am meant to be here living this mortal human trial. And I don’t know exactly how or when I will get to where I truly aim to be, where I truly belong, or even where that could be. But meanwhile I am going to keep trying to connect with the world on a deeper, more meaningful level. The One I know too well to simply disregard. It’s hard to straddle worlds but at the same time it gives an entire different meaning to everything in this reality. It seems a better and more satisfying way to me, but maybe only because I truly believe what I am saying.



I am here to be “me”. I am here to witness and play and connect and enjoy. And that may not be how everyone or anyone else sees it. But I’m not living anyone else’s reality, right now. Am I? Lol


Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

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