Passionate, genius level, full moon, fuck-up (long)

Making love is where I can be my most passionate being. It’s where I can meld time, space, emotion and touch into a complete unleashing of torrential flames.

It’s hard to explain it to someone that’s never experienced it. Here is an article that explains sex vs making love pretty rudimentary, but it’s a good overview of the concept.

I am pretty sure I can teach Brad, if he took the initiative to ask and was completely open to it.

It’s important to me because it’s not fair for me to bring that depth of emotion and it not be reciprocated or appreciated or even just understood.

I need to see it melded with sex. That’s a very important relationship goal to me. It’s one of the best parts, not that there aren’t many others. But still… it’s important to me and I don’t expect everyone to understand this, but I do expect him to.


I was talking to my smart chiclet last night. All the girls are whipper smart, but one of them seems beyond what my own intelligence can grasp. Her thought processes seem in line with Brad’s, who I also consider almost genius level in intelligence as well. They both amaze me sometimes with their assessments and the way their brains work. But they are also both very morbid. I asked her if she thinks there is a correlation there. She seemed to think there is.

She told me that her mind can look at one thing and see all the scenarios so clearly. This I comprehend, but where I’ve learned to filter my thoughts so as to allow myself happiness in life…they don’t seem to understand the concept. I can see the devil’s advocate side of things too but if I don’t find it helpful or useful in the grand scheme of things I don’t see why pay attention to that part. I don’t let my mind travel that path. I redirect it. I allow myself to look at the silver lining so I can allow myself real happiness in life.

I’m naive but not unaware. I just choose to believe the best is possible and that’s what I work towards. That’s my focus. I also try to take control of my mind and not the other way around. This is an important part of my well being. I stand guard against my own impulses towards depression. It’s a constant vigil I’ve learned to accept. Most days it’s so ingrained it’s negligible but others it’s all I can do to cope. But it’s worth all the effort to me.

She went out with me last night at 12:12 (on 12/12) to enjoy the apex of the last cold full moon of the year. I said a prayer as we enjoyed the beauty of it. I did see an ominous oddity though. As the grey clouds swept in front of the moon, creating a rainbow effect around the strong glow…. a black cloud crossed in front of it. The gradient difference was so very stark. The black cloud was impenetrable to the light of the moon and stayed firm in place nestled between the light colored clouds.

I’ve never seen that before. One single solitary section nestled within the clouds of pure darkness. Maybe that was a simple reminder that life has both beauty and darkness and I must learn to appreciate both as they come.


I was also talking to the teenager last night. Took her to dinner and she accompanied me on a few errands. She’s such a treasure. I was telling her all the options plausible in the near future. All up in the air right now but I wanted to keep her abreast. Not to stress her out, God knows she does that to herself enough, but just to keep her in the loop.

I was telling her how I didn’t mind being labeled a “fuck-up” in my younger days. As far as my family, I lacked ambition. I lacked the ability to settle down. I lacked stability. They weren’t exactly wrong. I mean yes, I was always employed. I always took that seriously. Had good jobs with health insurance. Took care of myself. But I lived my life whimsically and with a lot of hard knocks. It was fine. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I had tons of fun.

But now, as a grown woman with kids in tow that isn’t what I want to be doing. I’m trying so hard not to be a fuck-up to these kidlets.

They say I am a good mom. They cherish me. The little one holds my hand at night to fall asleep. I can’t ask for more than the love and grace they give me.

And I know if I hadn’t have gone through what I’ve gone through in life I wouldn’t be where I am. Learning to love and appreciate myself even in all my fucked-up-ness. I am human, fallible, fragile and yet also so strong and yielding to life’s up and downs.

I just hope I don’t fuck these kiddos up too much. I hope they know how much I love them. How hard I’ve tried to rectify my own issues, so they don’t carry the burden of them through their own lives. But that might not be a possible task. All I can really do is my best here and that will come with plenty of faults. I guess I’m really, truly grateful that no one is perfect in this life and I don’t have some mythical, unachievable mark to hit. Because I’m guessing I’m going to keep being me for the rest of this endeavor and I have to find a way to be ok with that. You know?

I have to find a way to rejoice in my life.


Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

12 thoughts on “Passionate, genius level, full moon, fuck-up (long)”

  1. From the time my first child was born right through to when the last one was born, I feverishly prayed that I didn’t fuck up as a parent or, as I later came to realize, not to fuck up too badly that I couldn’t correct it. My mother told me that one key to being a parent was being able to leave room for your children to make mistakes and I saw the sense in that and more so when that’s what she did raising me and my three siblings.

    But I also learned that it works when you’re the parent so I went from “I’m never gonna make a mistake with my children!” to “Okay, um, sometimes you’re gonna screw the pooch – but try not to and if you do, fix it!” And then while doing the jobs of being a husband… and being myself and sometimes, being father and husband didn’t jive with being myself, or not the self I wanted to be. I had to be husband and Dad – aka the bad guy whenever they screwed the pooch – and they were jobs/roles that I took very seriously but I had a light at the end of the tunnel: God willing, they were all gonna grow up, turn 18, and branch on their own and my job was to get them ready for this moment and, important to me, without imparting any of my biases on them. I realized that until the nest was empty, I couldn’t rejoice in my life the way I needed to except to be the best husband and father I could be and, well, it worked as a start because being those things were something to rejoice in.

    Because not doing it never makes sense.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I think, and as you seem to,be discovering, that it’s hard to rejoice a whole lot with such a responsibility staring you in the face but, yeah, there’s rejoicing in there. It’s just hard to explain and there’s nothing to rejoice about when you have to give up who you are and want to be so that you can raise your children to the best of your ability. When did I really rejoice?

        When they all grew up and left the nest and I got my life back, so I could be what what I wanted to be and the way I wanted to be.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. What I’ve found in life is that within the restrictions that we have imposed on us (through our own volition or not) we can still learn to rejoice in who we are and can be. I move within the confines I find myself in life. It’s just easier that way. I think. But you’re right and I understand what you’re saying. Brad would love our sex life to be much wilder but with kids under foot it’s almost impossible to be more active than we are already.


          1. You find that you can rejoice in the space that’s “allowed” or created and you do what you gotta do. I can tell you that once all,the kids were gone, the sex got wide open and a lot more than it already was, you know, with a wife and a live-in girlfriend we shared and her two kids, making the total,of five kids I had to raise to be decent human beings.

            Liked by 1 person

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