Making love is where I can be my most passionate being. It’s where I can meld time, space, emotion and touch into a complete unleashing of torrential flames.
It’s hard to explain it to someone that’s never experienced it. Here is an article that explains sex vs making love pretty rudimentary, but it’s a good overview of the concept.
I am pretty sure I can teach Brad, if he took the initiative to ask and was completely open to it.
It’s important to me because it’s not fair for me to bring that depth of emotion and it not be reciprocated or appreciated or even just understood.
I need to see it melded with sex. That’s a very important relationship goal to me. It’s one of the best parts, not that there aren’t many others. But still… it’s important to me and I don’t expect everyone to understand this, but I do expect him to.
I was talking to my smart chiclet last night. All the girls are whipper smart, but one of them seems beyond what my own intelligence can grasp. Her thought processes seem in line with Brad’s, who I also consider almost genius level in intelligence as well. They both amaze me sometimes with their assessments and the way their brains work. But they are also both very morbid. I asked her if she thinks there is a correlation there. She seemed to think there is.
She told me that her mind can look at one thing and see all the scenarios so clearly. This I comprehend, but where I’ve learned to filter my thoughts so as to allow myself happiness in life…they don’t seem to understand the concept. I can see the devil’s advocate side of things too but if I don’t find it helpful or useful in the grand scheme of things I don’t see why pay attention to that part. I don’t let my mind travel that path. I redirect it. I allow myself to look at the silver lining so I can allow myself real happiness in life.
I’m naive but not unaware. I just choose to believe the best is possible and that’s what I work towards. That’s my focus. I also try to take control of my mind and not the other way around. This is an important part of my well being. I stand guard against my own impulses towards depression. It’s a constant vigil I’ve learned to accept. Most days it’s so ingrained it’s negligible but others it’s all I can do to cope. But it’s worth all the effort to me.
She went out with me last night at 12:12 (on 12/12) to enjoy the apex of the last cold full moon of the year. I said a prayer as we enjoyed the beauty of it. I did see an ominous oddity though. As the grey clouds swept in front of the moon, creating a rainbow effect around the strong glow…. a black cloud crossed in front of it. The gradient difference was so very stark. The black cloud was impenetrable to the light of the moon and stayed firm in place nestled between the light colored clouds.
I’ve never seen that before. One single solitary section nestled within the clouds of pure darkness. Maybe that was a simple reminder that life has both beauty and darkness and I must learn to appreciate both as they come.
I was also talking to the teenager last night. Took her to dinner and she accompanied me on a few errands. She’s such a treasure. I was telling her all the options plausible in the near future. All up in the air right now but I wanted to keep her abreast. Not to stress her out, God knows she does that to herself enough, but just to keep her in the loop.
I was telling her how I didn’t mind being labeled a “fuck-up” in my younger days. As far as my family, I lacked ambition. I lacked the ability to settle down. I lacked stability. They weren’t exactly wrong. I mean yes, I was always employed. I always took that seriously. Had good jobs with health insurance. Took care of myself. But I lived my life whimsically and with a lot of hard knocks. It was fine. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I had tons of fun.
But now, as a grown woman with kids in tow that isn’t what I want to be doing. I’m trying so hard not to be a fuck-up to these kidlets.
They say I am a good mom. They cherish me. The little one holds my hand at night to fall asleep. I can’t ask for more than the love and grace they give me.
And I know if I hadn’t have gone through what I’ve gone through in life I wouldn’t be where I am. Learning to love and appreciate myself even in all my fucked-up-ness. I am human, fallible, fragile and yet also so strong and yielding to life’s up and downs.
I just hope I don’t fuck these kiddos up too much. I hope they know how much I love them. How hard I’ve tried to rectify my own issues, so they don’t carry the burden of them through their own lives. But that might not be a possible task. All I can really do is my best here and that will come with plenty of faults. I guess I’m really, truly grateful that no one is perfect in this life and I don’t have some mythical, unachievable mark to hit. Because I’m guessing I’m going to keep being me for the rest of this endeavor and I have to find a way to be ok with that. You know?
I have to find a way to rejoice in my life.