After my mom left I got on this kick of not spending money. And as I crunch down on my expenses I am scrutinizing every little thing more and more. Also helps that I am attending a budgeting class. I am not being too draconian, but I am being much more mindful.
I also got my first paycheck from my part-time job and well, and after taxes and such it isn’t much. But hopefully it’s enough to satisfy the loan modification lawyers.
I called the IRS and they’ve put a hold on the levy for 30 days, so they can process my offer in compromise. I called the Oregon health plan and they explained the additional paperwork they need and once they get that my insurance should be reinstated.
I also have my therapist appt today. Im so glad. Two nights ago I was really struggling and sad and although I feel better today I still want to process through it all.
Things are chugging along but……the situation with the tweenager seems to be getting worse. She and I are not really getting along all that well. Her father, who humors her much more than I do, seems to help her feel better. So she wants him around as much as possible. So he’s spending nights, always here it seems. Good for her, I guess, bad for me.
It’s gotten to where I avoid my own house now. This is unsustainable. At my wit’s end I asked if she wanted to go live with him. It isn’t what I really want but this as it stands can’t keep going either. I have no safe space at home anymore, between her needs and demands and him being here, even in my bedroom. Like “come on!”. I won’t go as far as to say it’s a plot, but it sure is uncomfortable for me.
Then Brad and I have these dumb and exhausting interactions. For example, last night he says to me again (it’s like the 4th time) that when I am passionate and kissing him hard my teeth scrape his lips and he thinks I’m going to cut him. He likes the passion but is afraid of being injured. Mind you, it’s never happened, but sure ok. I tell him that when he says that it sucks the wind out of me. What am I supposed to do exactly? Be more mindfully passionate?
Sex to me is a release, a complete letting go and just falling into the emotion of it. He wants me to mind my teeth. It’s off-putting to me but I get his point of view too I suppose. It’s probably off putting to him. He is just so fearful of so many things. We passed by a beautiful wall of rocks leading to my house and he says “what do you think when you see that?”.
I say “it’s beautiful”. He says “it scares me”. And that is a synopsis of this whole thing I guess.
So then I tell him you have a right to your comment and I have a right to feel however I feel about it. So he says “I’ll never comment again”. Which we all know is not only untrue and unnecessary to say but extremely childish.
He is such a manboy. He is so stubborn too. I love him and want him in my life but… he just isn’t my happily ever after. At least not the way things stand. We shall see. In my mind in moving him to the life long friend and current lover category and that suits me fine.
I mean really, we can’t even have a simple conversation without one of us getting butt hurt. But we can’t seem to let each other go either. We are both very vulnerable right now in life and we anchor each other, even as we drive each other crazy. It’s somewhat like marriage I suppose without any of the benefits of that. 🙄🙄🙄
Well…. off to work I go. Two of my own clients today too and my therapy appt. And somewhere in there I have to be a mom. 🤪🤪🤪