Tonight I am struggling. Caretaking for a sick child is so hard, especially one with a tweenage attitude. Add to that: two jobs. Two other kids. Three pets. Plus… I just got bumped off my healthcare plan and the IRS sent me a letter saying they were going to seize my house. I don’t even have time to call these people and start contesting any of this bullshit.
I feel like I’m failing drastically at everything right now. Tears are flowing down my face as I type this. It’s really not a matter of “why me?” because well…I suppose why not me. I guess this is meant to be someone’s life and I’m “it” on this go around. It’s just that it all feels so hard and I don’t know how much more I can bear.
You all get to read about my life and then go on your way doing your own lives. But I’m stuck here, in this giant mess… in a holding pattern of difficulties on top of more difficulties and I just want to lay it all down and walk away.
I understand how people can just go get milk and never come back. I really do and right now I wish I could do that. But I can’t. My heart won’t let me. I saw a bumper sticker today that said “failure is not an option” and it made me feel bad because it seemed foreign to me. Like “um, sure it is”. This whole one step forward and two steps back thing I have going on seems like a huge failure to me. This barely managing to keep my head above water is so disheartening.
I don’t understand this life at all. But I guess maybe I’m not meant to. I know none of this matters. I know if I died right now life would go on and in the span of less than a few generations no one would even remember me. A passing reference in some anecdote…. maybe, at best. And beyond that, centuries from now, a millennium from now I won’t even be a whisper of dust.
So the fact that any of it matters now is only because I give it that denotation. I can see why people turn to drugs and alcohol. I know if I could go easily forget about my problems for a few hours I absolutely would. I suppose it’s a good thing my liver says “no can do, sorry but not sorry”.
Maybe that’s why I latch on to meditation, sex and my almost nightly TCH/CBD dose. It’s why I desperately need to get back into daily exercise. These are the things that keep me somewhat stabilized in a world that seems hell bent on subjugating me, killing my spirit and taking what little I have.
Welcome to my “pity party”. Grab a seat if you dare. Things may get wild here tonight. 🤪🤷🏽♀️. I’m just gonna go with it and let the tears come out as long as they want to. 🥺😭
Does anyone need milk?