Finally. Woke up without a backache. Either it was the camphor and THC mixture I lathered on with a heat pad, the fact my mom left this morning or both. Lol. But it’s gone. So yay!!
I have clients all weekend. The kids also want to go get the tree to complete our holiday decorating. So I have to research where to get the cheapest ones. They didn’t like last year’s because even though it was gorgeous and huge and cheap… it was full of spiders. Tiny little things and I got most of them out of the house in rounds as they somehow all made their way to the ceiling. I thought they were cute.
And Brad wants to have dinner. I’m conflicted about this. I wish I wasn’t. It’s not about sticking to my guns. I try not to hold too strong of convictions about most things; up until I find something truly destructive, at least.
There are a lot of sticking points between us. Things I’m not sure can be resolved. Am I willing to try again? How many break ups/make-up’s is this? I hate the yo-yo quality of this. On/off, on/off, on/off. It is exhausting!! But….we still do provide comfort to each other. My mom says she wants me to marry him, even though she doesn’t even really like him. But she thinks he’s good for me.
This woman usually gives me bad advice but sometimes she is right. Sometimes she does know me better than I know myself. She was the only person (aside from an ex-boyfriend) that tried to stop me from marrying my (now ex) husband. She also told me to divorce him when he made me chose between our marriage/family or my brick and mortar business. She was right in those two instances in a way I could not see clearly at the time. But usually she isn’t.
Am I settling? I know what I really want. Can he give it to me? Is he safe? Am I even capable of picking someone safe? I have yet to see this for myself. Will he ever be able to make love? I already told him come hell or high water I’m not taking the teenager out of her element. She’s thriving. She’s happy. She has good friends. She’s in a great school. She has one year left. A fun year full of decisions and memories.
I have to be selfish right now. Selfish for myself and my children. I have to put us first. I have to try and save my business and our house. That’s the priority in my life. My children; their health and happiness and of course my own. I don’t need drama. I don’t need more demands placed on me. I don’t need more stress. And although there is a huge void in my life that Brad filled I don’t know that this is going to go any better than our last attempts. Especially if we don’t address the issues.
I turned on YouTube music and I said “tell me about Brad”, hit the random selector and Sade’s “Sweetest Taboo” came on. I wonder and suspect that has to do with the sexual taboo games we play. Maybe? I am deeply drawn to them. Is that healthy? It is a great outlet for stress. I do enjoy it. But I didn’t enjoy taking it as far as we did sometimes. And once you open that door with someone it gets really hard to close, especially if you actually really crave it.
That’s something I was looking forward to with someone new. Not having those triggers. Not having that past; a completely new slate…full of new possibilities.
Do we really want to reopen this? I’m sick of even just talking about it over and over. I can imagine you’re all sick of hearing about it. I am craving sex though and do I really want to go hunt for new dick right now? But….. I have plans to get that clit ring in; which is a month of no sex anyway.
Well….what’s a dinner? I do like to eat.