Brad texted me. We texted back and forth for a bit….me somewhat reluctantly, but I wasn’t trying to deter him too much either.
I’m the worst breaker upper. Which is an odd thing to say since I’m always the one to do it. The specialized pedophile therapist told me, in not these precise words, that I may have issues with emotional intimacy. Which I find odd really since I can sometimes feel a level of kindred intimacy even with strangers but maybe it is feasible. I have to ask; why am I always the one to break-up? Why can I never make a break-up stick on the first attempt?
Even my divorce was a showcase of strange intimacy separation issues; mostly led by him but, none the less present. This instance has extrenuating circumstances, but still.
The fact is that there is usually a lag time between an initial break up and finally actually disconnecting. And while it can be then said that it is usually the man enticing me back it can’t be said that maybe I didn’t want it.
I mean I was with this person for a reason. I saw qualities in them I admired; things about them I truly enjoyed. I wanted to be around them. I wanted to love them and be loved by them….and so much more. Then, something stepped in the way; an addiction, communication issues, whatever the plethora of reasons that could possibly exist. But that doesn’t take away the good in them and the parts I gravitated towards.
But…… I know myself so well now that I find it very hard to fool myself (that much anymore). And I can own things without feeling less than, without feeling angry, without having to battle it out. I can own my shit.
So I think I know when there isn’t a way to salvage something. When I’ve looked at something from every angle and I can’t or in what should have been an honest attempt “we can’t” come to a way to make this work for all parties concerned.
Like maybe we just didn’t both care enough. Maybe neither of us was going to be moving our ego aside. Maybe it was just circumstances beyond our control. But it ended and if there is not a game plan for resolving the issues then what’s the point of starting up again?
I’m not at a point I can just date Brad casually. I’m not at a point where I can just have sex and be good with it. I’m still emotional about it. I mean… it’s fine. I’m working through it. But that’s not going to be helping the situation by going out with him. Now is it?
Or like I told Brad yesterday. I don’t have to call all the shots. But you didn’t like my ideas and you wouldn’t follow through on your own and someone has to be making the decisions. And then all parties need to participate too. Relationships are so much fun and so fulfilling but they are also work. Not in the sense of drudgery or clocking in. Just in the sense that you can’t neglect them. They need attention and care.
I don’t have this whole relationship thing worked out. I really don’t. I don’t know what a perfect one is supposed to look like. But if perfection can’t exist within humans how can it exist in whatever they create? Here I could make a case for God and Divine Intervention but anyway. What I do know, maybe the only thing I know right now, is that I’m trying to make myself and all parties happy or….. at least not miserable on my account.
It will all be alright. I’m just a bit run down by life right now. Not in spirit, although I suppose maybe that is a little so, but mostly in energy and time. But I’m bucking up. I did cry myself to sleep last night for a bit and I do feel better this morning.
I’m going to go with this as a mature decision not to go out with Brad. But don’t hold me to it. Don’t hold me to anything. I’m living life as it comes. Just trying to live by my own beliefs and principals. Trying to be true to myself in a world that doesn’t value that much at all. But it’s all I’ve really got to offer it; so I’m going to be happy with that.