and setting an example to my children for fighting for yourself and what you believe in; of sacrificing easy for being true to oneself…..that’s what my aim is.
I don’t want to save anyone else; including my children. I do want to harbor their hearts, guide them as much as I can to find their true happiness in life and learn to appreciate who they are and honor that being wholeheartedly.
But just based on all the work and effort I’ve expended these last few years trying to change my own life I can attest that “saving someone” can really be a full time job and who has that kind of time and energy?
It’s sad. I really don’t have to work this hard. I could let my ex come back in the picture. I could have married Brad. I could have dated very rich men, who would easily float me money. But none of these are the right way, in my heart, and I just can’t live a lie.
I didn’t sleep well last night at all. I even masturbated twice and still nothing. Then I had to wake up early to go to court. I’m looking into being a court interpreter for Spanish. Being that, as most people don’t even know, it was my first language and I speak it fluently. I guess they have enough work for full-time employment. Not that I would want that. It pays pretty well though. You take the work as it comes in; so it’s flexible.
This is just an orientation, and I had to even pay to go to it. But I have to also go to the market beforehand for cough syrup and lemons for tea for the chiclets. Hopefully they can also fix the dishwasher today and then three more appointments for the girls later today. Two more doctors and one breathwork training for the anxiety prone child. I’m grasping at straws with her but hopefully something starts working soon. It’s been pretty draining with all her issues and I’m starting to feel the strain from it all more and more.
So I’ve decided against my own better judgement to pamper myself as much as I can. I went and got a pedicure yesterday for the first time in over a year. It makes no financial sense but I really needed to indulge myself. I am just at a point where it really feels so very difficult and I’m just praying whatever comes I can keep enduring it all until life softens a bit for us all.
I’d cry and let it all out but today is not a crying day; maybe tomorrow. Although tomorrow is a day to give thanks, so that seems a bit juxtaposed….. but hey everyone celebrates life their own way. Right? Crying seems just as good as any other way to me.