Not violently, maybe not even purposefully, but none the less very real to me.
It started out mellow enough. I let myself sleep in and meditated and enjoyed the cozy warmth of the soft bed for a long time. My mom was still asleep when I was ready to get up. So I put on my gear and headed to the hotel gym.
A young man came in after me. We ignored each other in a very non-hostile way. Then a pudgy mom and her two kids came in.
That’s when my day shifted drastically. They all smelled like they had doused themselves in laundry softener. It was horrible. I was stuck in a confined space with three fragrance bombs. That was bad enough. But then the teenager daughter, a quite pretty blond decided I needed to be intimidated. She’s probably used to intimidating women three times her age.
But I don’t roll like that. She’s young and beautiful and I really, honestly, just don’t care. It doesn’t affect me. I don’t envy her one bit. She’s just another human being. But she decided to stand mere feet from me, staring right at me. Trying to make me feel some way or other. Finally I just turned my back on her and stuck my ass in the air doing stretches. Before I knew it she found a new spot away from me. Lol
I left pretty soon afterwards. I can take natural bad smells. My nose acclimates to those, buy it doesn’t work the same with synthetic smells. They usually just keep aggravating me.
As I walked past the front desk the young man working says to the young woman “she’s definitely single”, talking about me. I kept walking not even wanting to know what that was about or be a part of it. On the drive back my mom takes to her favorite pastime; complaining. I usually say nothing, but soon she starts in on me and I’ve just had enough. We are on day 6 of this.
She had started in immediately at the airport when I picked her up. My hair is thin. I gained weight. She acts like she’s telling me things I don’t know. But on and on she goes. 6 days of insulting me, my children, my choices, everything and anything. Not one compliment. Not one thank you. You’d think I’d be used to this. Or at least you’d think I would have developed a hard shell. But no…still hurts.
Just a few days more and then we can go another year. I usually forget why I don’t call her more. Why I never go visit. I start to feel like a bad daughter. And then a few days of this and it all becomes clear again. Until I forget again just how miserable she makes me. I know she loves me. I know it’s just her. But I also know that underneath it all she’s always been jealous of me and that actually hurts the most.
It almost feels like she’s happiest when I’m miserable. But deep down I know it isn’t true. She’s simply a bitter woman that doesn’t know how to love anyone, not even herself. And while I don’t hold a place of pity for her I also can’t reproach her. She’s trying to be the best mom she can. She isn’t trying to upset me. Which is why I try not to take it all personal, even when it is. But today on the drive I finally told her to “get over it”.
She was laying into me about something I did as a teenager…30 years ago, when I was a different person. I was raw, traumatized, manically depressed, uncontrollable and completely disregarded by everyone in my life. Yet I was expected to do as I was told, even if the expectations where unreasonable and with zero support and zero comprehension of what I was going through. Yea…those were fun times. 🙄🙄🙄
She said “I am over it, I never even think of it”. To which I said “you clearly are not over it because you bring it up every single time I see you”. I left her with that, hopefully it will inspireher to be more introspective, and maybe figure out what it’s going to take to really once and for all let it go. She knows about the abuse. I’ve already apologized multiple times in my life. I’m not the same person. I don’t behave like an unruly, disrespectful, angry teenager anymore and if she can’t see that it’s on her, not me.
I don’t have any hopes she will change or see past any of it. But she is the mom I was given and I’ve accepted it. Even if it does mean that for my own good I need to keep her at a distance. I can only take so much negativity.
Which maybe explains why I can’t tolerate people like her in my orb. She caps me out. But this makes me aware that I am probably very easily triggered because of her and so my tolerance is very low for it. Very low. And that’s ok. That’s part of who I am.
I can accept that. And make allowances for myself, because I need them for my own well being. She’s scarred me, purposefully or not that’s what’s happened and I have to learn to navigate that within myself.
But then I get home to three still sick kiddos and the teenager starts in on me. She wants a job. She needs money. Against my better judgement I say sure; weekends only though, which sends her into a tizzy. That wasn’t helped when I tell her she needs to watch her sibling while I take the other to a doc appt.
There is no winning right now in my life. That’s what it feels like. So I must make my gains within myself. That’s the only place I have a locus of control. Lol. So be it. At least I don’t assault myself. I can be my own sweet oasis from the chaos of life and that’s not nothing. Right? 💋💋💋