Love/Hate, Compassion & Tranquility

They say love and hate are just a thin line away from each other and I think it’s easier to cross over from one to the other than people probably think.

I’ve had lots of instances in my life that have proved this to be true.

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I try to have compassion and an open mind. I try to see that ones world becomes what one focuses on. So I try to focus on the positive as much as I can and it helps restore my faith. It helps me shed tears of joy, which are the best tears ever. It helps me replenish my soul.

I was glancing through the Good News Network stories last night. I do so every so often when I really need a boost of optimism and restored hope in humanity.

Here’s a story that made me laugh and tear up a bit. The world can be as beautiful as we make it. Kindness, consideration, willingness to chip in… even and especially when it isn’t our job, our problem or our family or friends in need, is truly so very priceless. I wish we could see how we can all make a huge impact in the world, for better or worse with not even that much effort on our part.

It’s such a thing of beauty: giving. We truly do need that. As humans we are hard wired not just to receive but to give, to be of service, to have purpose and be useful. It is a driving force and a source of deep inner happiness unparalleled by other actions in life.

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A few years ago I put on an event in Portland proper. It was a flea market type thing. It was fun. Way too much work, but fun still. I also had a booth selling my own things; knick knacks, collectibles, vintage, jewelry, etc. A few things stand out vividly from that experience.

1) I was amazed that for a very small snack stipend I could get quality musicians to come play for the event. 2) I was thrilled that people were willing to take a chance on an event that sounded potentially fun even though it was fairly hard to locate and even harder to park near. However, I was greatly upset about several people’s behavior that weekend, but the one I tend to come back to the most is one couple who came through my booth.

They seemed affluent in a very laid back way. The woman wanted a silver bracelet I had for sale. However she was offering much less than what I had priced it at. She was actually offering less than what I had paid for it. I contemplated keeping it.

However she kept at me, hounding me for a low price. I knew they could pay more. I knew I could and should have just said no. But I eventually sold it to her at a loss because I figured why hold on to it, if I was probably never going to actually wear it. The strangest and worst part is that they were the most pestering hagglers I encountered that night. I should have listened to my heart. In retrospect I would have gotten much more enjoyment giving the piece away then letting her have it. It was a beautiful piece even if it wasn’t my style.

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I’ve had a few men approach me recently, through my phone: putting out feelers. Some very directly and some just seeing if I respond to their initiation. My mother seems to think I don’t have time for men right now. I’m not saying she’s wrong, but I could make the time probably. The thing is that I am persuing other things right now. I haven’t been feeling like investing in anyone: whether it’s time, emotion, sex, or even just conversation.

I hopped on the scale for the first time in months outside of a doctor’s visit. I was not thrilled. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I also wasn’t at all shocked. I know what size jeans my ass be sporting these days. Lol

The thing is that when I date I truly enjoy eating out; but when I eat out I indulge myself. I’ve talked to frequent travelers and gym bunnies about this. I know it’s more than possible to eat healthily out. It’s just not fun to me is all. It sucks the life right out of it for me. Hard enough to try to stay as close to dairy and gluten free as I can with little transparency at some restaurants.

I also like to have a full meal with a potential suitor because I can get a much better sense of who I am dealing with over the course of a meal. From beginning to end it tells a story and then I get a more accurate picture. I have heard that it takes 3 dates to truly ascertain compatibility. Maybe that’s so. Maybe I need to try that when I start dating again.

But I don’t think it’s going to be until I get myself back in size 10 jeans. It’s not Lizzo size and it’s not a Twiggy size. It’s just at a place I feel sexier is all. And meanwhile I can keep working on myself. Working on deep inner reflection, healing of past heartache and trauma, and stearing away from worry about the present and future. Plus being authenticaly myself in a world that makes it so difficult to be that sometimes.

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All my girls are sick right now. I could spout off a laundry list… I mean huge list of difficulties in my life right now, but I won’t. Because even I don’t really care. It gets to be to where I just accept that this is my life and this is my best right now and I’ve got to be satisfied with that. Even when it doesn’t measure up to my own expectations and desire. I know that by the standards set for me in life I am not succeeding. I accept that. It doesn’t thrill me. But, then again, why would it? But I also understand that it is much better to try to succeed by my own standards anyway. As in:

Am I trying and hopefully somewhat succeeding at being a good or I’d settle for decent mother?

Am I trying to be and maybe mostly succeeding at being a kind person?

Am I trying and hopefully being allowed to be who I truly am?

Am I trying to and potentially setting a good example of my own beliefs in this life?

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I try so hard. I really do. I know I seem all chill and relaxed always, usually maybe. I think I seem that way; at least. Buy inside the sea rages strong; the waves clash loud and vibrant. But am I a bouy or am I the sea? I really can’t tell. Either way….I must find tranquility here, wherever I find myself, no matter what experiences the world brings to me.

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(Wrote this last night).

Looks like a beautiful day out today: cold but sunny. Tomorrow my mom and I are going to have a girls getaway; just her and I. We haven’t done that since before my kids were born. I definitely need it. I feel bad leaving then with their dad but… I desperately need some me time and I don’t have much choice in the matter.

He won’t let me leave them home alone. I suppose with them all sick it’s for the best, I’m going to try and see it that way at least. But…and I know it sounds horrible to say. I’ll be so glad the day he is out of my life, assuming that day ever does come. But since I can’t even imagine what that world even looks like I’ll stop right there.

And so this day begins. πŸ₯°β£οΈπŸŒžπŸ’‹πŸ‘‹πŸ½

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol