I went and got my hair done at the salon today. It had been over a year. In fact, I had just started dating Brad last I went in. Unfortunately, my hairdresser is the sweetest girl, but also very talkative and asked a lot of questions and it was a bit exhausting having to talk about the break-up.
I was just telling the teenager tonight that she has to be her own best friend and give herself the emotional support her boyfriend used to give her. I know it’s not quite exactly the same. And I understand how she feels. Personally I’ve been dwelling a bit. Trying not to, but I have.
This is my own doing though. I wanted the possibility of finding someone that really gets me. Someone who understands how to navigate me and my needs and can plan a future with me. This wasn’t viable before; so here we are. Knee deep into the holidays with no one. It’s fine. Not the end of the world.
Life is a rigamarole of feelings. This is just a period of going through some of the not so great ones. This time will pass and the next thing will come; just as this lull will pass and the next love interest will appear. I can’t imagine being single forever. That’s just not me.
Which is funny because before I started writing this blog I was very much single, hadn’t dated much at all since my divorce. Didn’t have a lover. And I was handling it much better than I am now I feel.
Of course being on the heels of divorce I really wasn’t anxious to get back into anything serious. Now? I want to fall madly in love. I want to give my heart and soul to someone deserving of it. I want to make love and have a secret smile just for that one person. I don’t want to take anything for granted. But really quite simply…..I want it all. I do. Call me whatever you want. I don’t care.
This is my life. My one and only life; that I am consciously aware of. If I can’t live it by my own standards then what is the point? If I can’t go after what I want in this life then what is the purpose?
But maybe dying my hair wasn’t the absolute best idea. My scalp is sore and tender now. I keep saying I’m not going to. That I’m going to let it go all gray and then I dye it. Uggghhhhh. It’s this new single status thing.
I hate societal constructs of expectations of things that are idiotic at best. It’s that stark juxtaposition again. Being true to myself exactly as I am or aiming to be the best me possible (under who’s expectations exactly though?). I don’t know. I have no answers. Just a bunch of experiences and ruminations.
I do know I am getting really super horny. I wish the mechanics of sex were just as easy for a woman as they are for a man. But I also think if that were the case I would probably be at the bar every night going home with someone new.
But I’m being simplistic. I’m sure it’s not all that easy. We women don’t really have performance anxiety. We don’t worry about the length and girth of our vagina’s. Not to say we don’t have a plethora of other insecurities and issues but at least those two aren’t usually on the list. Lol
Ay yay yay. What am I going to do with myself?
Guess I’m building new coping skills is what I’m doing. Had to be done at some point I spose. Now seems just as good as any other time. 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️